seeing myself from another view

Learning to accept the choices i have made the path my life has followed yes I am not quite there where i can forgive myself but I am contemplating it.

I am working hard on building and maintaining a spiritual focus, its the one thing thats actually made sense to me, and my love for my god is more than the love for myself.

Since my self inflicted suicide attempt into a power pole I have realised in a way that god wants to keep me around for some purpose, not really sure what it is but I know he didn't want to let me go.. By rights I should of died that day but my car bore the brunt of the electrocution.

So here I am trying to improve life for myself and my mood has been lifting since reduced medication.

I am pushing myself forward its not easy to get to the meetings and do all the personal study but its better than just dwelling on my own sad state of affairs.

 A job opportunity has come up that I start this week, and its the first time I've been excited about something, training on Tuesday and start Saturday.

Im trying to see the world from others points of view, and myself and my situation from the position of god, and others. Others see a lot of potential in me. Im trying to see that, definitely not easy when you suffer with depression and other problems.

Sometimes you hear something though, today I heard a talk that just made me cry, it was about how god loves you and sees you despite your depression and your anxious or imperfect feelings about yourself, the negative view I hold is not gods view of me, thats a comfort.

some people say church is just a crutch. But i know that my life revolves around my religion and my beliefs, and they are my beliefs I have not been brainwashed or anything the beliefs are based on facts and prophecies that have been fulfilled.

Hearing about bible characters is really encouraging as they were suffering with their own negative thoughts but were helped to see past their issues.

the journey i need to take is to let go of the excess baggage that I have carried around,

I don't want to carry that anymore, I don't want to have resentment or animosity

negative energy produces negative results

but if you put positive energy out there people respond, you make friends and you encourage positive things to come your way.
definately the better way to go

the trap of psych drugs

Well here i am in front of an empty page again. I feel quite emotional. I was trying to withdraw from my Epilim tablets, by taking one less every evening, being 200mg and I thought I was doing ok mood wise until a few days ago when I became extremely suicidal. I had also been having nasty withdrawal side effects including nausea, constipation, chest pain, pains in the abdomen and throughout my body, electric shock sensations and headaches. Apparently all quite normal for a withdrawal.

My question is why was I not warned about the withdrawal effects and the amount of reliance my body would have on these antidepressants before I was put on them. I am quite sure if I had had the information that I have now and knew all the side effects then I would not of gone on these drugs to begin with.

But my question is what do I do now?

Well I have had no option but to go back up on the Epilim to the full dosage as I need to be somewhat stable at the moment. But I do this reluctantly as I do not like being reliant on these medications.

At present I am on 4 different drugs, antidepressant, moodstabliser, antipsychotic but in my mind they are making me worse not better. I also have facts to back that up. That suicidal ideation and that is increased by these drugs, actually they have warnings on each drug to say that these have a risk of suicidal thoughts plans actions. Omg why would they give these drugs to people who are so called Borderline personality disorder patients they already have a hard enough time trying to keep emotions under control and not commit suicide.

Also how are people able to look at having a career or a future or study when they are on medication that sedates them, makes them extremely tired and not able to get up, ruins their concentration skills, how the heck is anyone meant to function fully with 4 different medications and each with side effects and affects on your mind and body

Im extremely angry as I went and saw my gp and yes he wants me to stay on these drugs even though they have the side effects listed and also cause birth defects and other issues, so yea not like i was thinking that way but pregnancy is out of the question.

I feel incredibly desperate, its like what do you do when you are stuck on something thats harming you in more ways than 1. Even just being back on the epilim tablet has given me severe nausea to the point of throwing up, a bad stomach and pains, and Im still getting the intense suicidal thoughts. And its only been this evening and last that I took the full dose.

I spent time crying today because I feel trapped. Trapped in such a way where I'm reaching for a better life but being on medication Im not sure if that life is open to me now, due to all the side effects and my abilities are different to what they were.

I hope I still have opportunities for a career and a life.

but I am not sure.

so much of my life now I have been on heavy medication and seeing mental health


Im feeling helpless to change my situation.

and I'm in tears.

thinking how blessed I am.

So I wake up to blue sky and the sun shining, and things don't seem too bad.

I wake up and stretch and go to have my morning porridge and coffee.

I am so grateful that I am alive to see this day and appreciate all the blessings i have.

I have had the fortune to sell things that I do not need anymore and declutter, but also save some cash that can go towards a car, as well as other things that i have been wanting or needing. Its a great feeling when you can sell something and gain from it. Even make a profit and walk away with a newer model for less price.

I am so fortunate that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly every single day. I am fortunate that I have a clothes airer, and a washing machine to wash my clothes and then hang them out.

I am fortunate that I have too many possessions to count I know that some people have nothing at all.

I live in comfort and I am always taken care of.

I am lucky in the fact that i am artistic and have a talent to represent an image on canvas.

I have seen the blessings in my religion as well and how wonderful it truly is to know all the answers and why things occur the way they are when so many are clueless as to their occurrence and the reasons for such.

I feel there is much to write about. Much to be thankful for.

including the fact that I don't have to live in fear daily.


signing off

think of your blessings today

Beginning of the year a new chapter

To signify the beginning of 2016 I start this journal with thoughts that I am no longer a person with a mental illness I am instead in recovery from mental unwellness, that I believe was brought on by both my circumstances in life and the medication I was put on.

To signify this entrance into the world of recovery I have set  up a new blog address blonde recovers !
It is important to me to recover in my time but in successful fashion.

I have started this recovery process by dropping a tablet at night and am going through withdrawal symptoms that haven't been pleasant but I have also noticed a positive change in my demeanour and attitude towards life in general, I seem to have a more positive disposition. I am looking ahead to the future with clarity that I didn't have before.

Now I am not suggesting by my post that you should go off your medications, far from that definitely but I am suggesting that looking at what goes into you by means of medications, the side effects of such drugs.

I have noticed with several of the medications the psychiatrist has had me on that there are side effects of worsening suicidal thoughts, intentions, and behaviour. So basically what they have had me on could of been making things harder in that respect. Instead of feeling like it was the drugs causing me to have these thoughts I have been thinking I'm going crazy but yet with the reduced dose I have already noticed a change and haven't been plotting suicide.

So whats really responsible for the suicidal thoughts?

I do believe that psychiatrists and doctors are over prescribing harmful antidepressants, and other medicines, which actually do more harm than good. Its their way of shushing up the patient but the patient ends up being classified and put in a box stigma associated to it, they are heavily medicated and drugged up to the eyeballs, they become a zombie, and in affect lose all rights to a normal life and a decent chance of employment as their lives are taken over by so called drugs that are meant to help them.

Im not saying that there aren't times when the specialists get the diagnosis right etc and medication and hunky dory the person is happy and satisfied.''

I'm just saying there is an awful lot of over prescribing, and these medications are so harmful and even toxic to withdraw from with terrible side effects, for example at the moment since I dropped the tablet I have been coping with severe nausea, stomach cramps, pain in my body, chest pains, diarrhoea and there are just some of the lovely side effects.  I have heard of side effects lasting even up to a year or beyond. I do hope however that is not the case with me.

I do realise I may need to stay on some sort of medication, but the side effects of many of my drugs include having issues with pregnancy and perhaps birth defects, problems breastfeeding etc.

I know that some diagnosis's including Borderline personality disorder basically came about because psychiatrists did not know where to slide people in, and had to fit them into the mental health index somewhere.

Once a diagnosis is put on your records its extremely difficult if not impossible to get off and causes so much stigma from people around you. Those professionals in the police force, ed department and ambulance staff all treat you differently because of your diagnosis. Shouldn't be so but it is.

So what do you do if you feel you have been wronged and treated unfairly a so called diagnosis back in 2009 and everyone has just gone with it, but is it truly truthful does it sum up everything wrong with you as a person..


food for thought there,'


signing off Nite.

T