In the darkness

Well online friends keep telling me I must not give up on life, I must just hang in there..

I have to say the pain is excruciating, unlike anything I could ever compare to.

I not only am going through the usual ups and downs but with a heavy cloud of depression on top

Its so so difficult to stay strong and hang in there.

Thoughts of Suicide and Methods are very very prevalent in my brain.

I cannot even see Hope! people are having to remind me because I cannot see a way out of this darkness i am having to experience.

I feel like i am an enormous burden, and I am having to tell myself that its my mind telling me untruths, that the truth is that others would be so sad if I was not around anymore.
Its hard to tell yourself these things and not believe them.
Its like you are telling yourself the lie.

To be in such darkness and not suicide is the hardest thing that I think you have to cope with. I can see why so many end their lives. That darkness tells you things that you slowly begin to believe.
You do not know the truth from the lie. That is where I am at the moment I do not know who is telling the truth and who is lying to me.

I know I want to cause others pain because of things that have happened, I am in so much emotional pain myself and that I feel that I am the source of the pain myself and need to be disposed of.

The particular friends I have are having to repeat to me that I am valuable because I am so not seeing this is the case.

Its so difficult i have been in holes before but to not see any light at the end of the tunnel and for the darkness to be that prevalent. For me to seriously be considering ending it all as basically that its better for everyone around me, yes there are no words.


Emotionally I am shot, I am drained and tired, by experiences and living everyday with mental illness and psychological abuse, basically something needs to give.

my story will be ending shortly

Positive update on services coordinating for situation

Well saw Violence services yesterday this was very productive as we had a long conversation and shes going to talk to the police today about the need to not talk to my parents as it aggravates the situation and puts me in a dangerous position, as I am the scapegoat for their anger.
Also talking to the police about the need to transport me to the emergency department in a crisis, as CPTSD is no joke, and affects the person making them very suicidal. The mental health team should never of said that police should not transport me.
Violence services said they are very concerned that suicide could be the result in this case, as I feel so trapped without any other way out.

The lady from violence service is going to call me Monday or Tuesday.,
She said that they are happy for me to use women's refuge services as needed, that's what they are here for, and we would sort out cost later if I needed more than a night stay there.
I was very reluctant to use these services as the abuse isn't physical but I was reminded that mental abuse is still abuse, psychological and verbal and its all damaging.

She spoke about the need to coordinate all agencies to work for my benefit. Including police, mental health and pathways services,
Pathway services are mainly for when I finish working and then I will need something to occupy my days as there will be a massive hole left where working used to be.

She also spoke of perhaps getting together with me next week and looking at houses to live in and options to get out of the abusive situation I am in.
also working out a crisis plan
she even suggested self esteem course for women

This was a very positive meeting.

I then went and had an hour's session with a trauma therapist - locally.
who I am seeing next week as well. Shes private and through Acc Sensitive Claims

That was helpful as well. You do not realise how much pain you are carrying around with you, No wonder im so F d up!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Years and years and years of Trauma.

Please intervene and don't let your kids get traumatized like this. Its really difficult to undo the damage that's caused..............................................

Maybe breakthrough with services?

Think made breakthrough last night with mental health services.
After calling the violence hotline and speaking to someone on there about my situation, they were concerned so called Te-Hika the mental health line.
A few minutes later and I received a phone call from a member of the Catt team in the Wairarapa.
After listening to me talking, she told me its obvious that there is more going on for you than just Borderline Personality disorder, you clearly have Complex Post Traumatic Stress and trauma issues that are deep your home environment is not helping matters, also losing your job, and other things.  She said she would talk to my psychologist asap, and for me to ring my psychologist tomorrow about getting some private trauma counselling asap and possibility of planned respite. I told her I needed a lot more support than what mental health - they are giving and basically that I have been very very close to suicide. I told her this is serious and I need help.

I feel that she did listen to me and take my concerns on board. So that is a step forward. Just waiting now to see what happens next. I don't believe words I believe actions!

confused brain

Well yesterday I reported to police the domestic violence that was going on, and of course they had to take a report on both sides of the story meaning that they spoke to my father who became very irate at me and went off about how dare I report them to the police!

They came from the side of we are just being concerned parents and have a very unwell daughter.

Dad said to me I was the horrible one here, and I am horrible because of my illness, it changes me.

I dont know what to believe

I just left my home in tears crying as I went for a walk.

Am I really the fucked up person here!!!!

I do not know.

People around me online friends are saying trust your gut the control factor is not right, and them keeping track of you 24/7 is not normal for a 33 year old.

See my parents see me as a girl with an illness that makes me very unpredictable

I do not know though how likely I am to have this illness they speak of or whether its all just COMPLEX POST TRAUMATIC STRESS.

Last night listened to the nutters club where it had a lady who had escaped a domestic violence situation where she was being controlled. Unfortunately I fell asleep during this otherwise I would of rang up and asked some questions. I will have to review the interview in my own time.

I also found myself watching Target Zero - put on by The Key to Life Charitable Trust.
There whole reason is to stop suicide from occurring, and yet that's what I want more than ever to happen to me.

How Fucked up does a person have to get to want to die rather than live.

I dont view myself as a victim but I dont see a way out of this turmoil I experience on a regular basis. My home environment, my so called illness, I dont know what way is up and what way is down anymore and its confusing for my brain and for my heart.

All I know is I have never experienced love like I have now for Lino.

womens refuge centres - no support workers available./ alone to figure out stuff.

So last night I stayed in a Womens Refuge home for the first time.

This was quite an eye opener

1) I was shocked that women are dropped off and left there without any supports in place......


the people who take you there take your name, number and reason for being there and just show you to your room and leave without even saying goodbye.

Instead of having support people to talk to we were left to talk to each other...sharing stories and offering hope to each other that things may get better.

One lady had been there 3 weeks without any support systems, visiting her and checking in.

I think this is very very wrong.


What is up with our public system where woman who are in crisis are just dropped somewhere and not given the chance to talk about their feelings,
its a very very unstable time, there is a lot of unknowns to consider, but this is OK in our public system to just leave a woman and run.
There's not even patrols - checking everything is OK.

I have to say I think things are very very wrong here.


I will be talking to someone from violence services on Monday about my concerns.

options

How do I walk out the door and never come back it sounds like an easy thing to do but it is not, not when your codependent.
When you have been mentally ill and relied on parents, financially at times, and other ways.

How do I stop feeling like a scared child.
I know my situation at home is not healthy - I can not keep denying that it is not causing me damage.
but its the hardest thing ever to leave through the door

Last night I was looking at places to rent and flatmate situations. Made more complicated as I have animals.

I even thought about going to Women's refuge.
instead I rang them and told them what is happening.

I keep justifying my parents behavior in my mind and saying to myself I still have a lovely flat if I can get over the damage of my parents and their emotional and psychological abusing.

Maybe I can still live downstairs and pay my rent but choose to not see my parents, but that is not an option, as family is always in your face. So its like what other options are open to me.

1) stay and become more damaged and suicidal
2) get trauma counselling and help through stopping violence services whilst living at home
3) move out get own flat
4) move out move in with others flatmate situation
5)move towns to get some distance
6) marry lino and move in with him
7)suicide.

I do feel like it would be easier to commit suicide than leave my home environment for good!

But if I was to suicide my parents aren't going to be held accountable anyways for the years of damage.

I would love to hear from others who have been in an emotionally psychological abusive home and how they got free !


I do not know at this stage if i am strong enough to leave this abuse behind

WHAT LOVE IS NOT

SO I REALIZE NOW

YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED ME

ITS PAINFUL TO ADMIT.

BUT LOVE IS NOT DISGUISED IN THIS WAY

LOVE DOES NOT COME WITH CONDITIONS

ITS NOT VICTIM BLAMING OR SHAMING

ITS NOT STEALING PROPERTY OFF A FAMILY MEMBER

ITS NOT TRYING TO CONTROL WHO THEY ARE, WHERE THEY GO WHAT THEY DO WHO WITH AND HOW LONG/

ITS NOT CONTROLLING MONEY

ITS NOT ASKING A MILLION QUESTIONS AND  DEMANDING A RESPONSE AND THROWING A TANTY WHEN YOU DONT GET YOUR WAY!

ITS NOT SCARING YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE CAR

ITS NOT DEMANDING MONEY

ITS NOT SAYING YOU ARE A SLAVE COS THE BIBLE SAYS SO

ITS NOT USING RELIGION TO CONTROL, AND ABUSE

ITS NOT PUTTING DOWN

ITS NOT MAKING THAT PERSON FEEL SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT,

ITS NOT DEMANDING YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY

Poem

You never really loved me
I realise as I stare at this blank page
You thought you loved me
but you hurt me every single day
how can that be love
how can that be respect
its only control

I wanna scream
I've alowed you to treat me so poor
thought it was normal but when I found out it was not
I was too afraid to walk out and shut the door.

I have a choice to make
this is either going to break me or make me

Am I going to die in this home
am I going to take my own life as I am so afraid
and don t want to be alone

I can moan I can scream
but silently
I cry in the shower
the steam
my eyes are wet.


but you do not want to hear my cries.
You do not want to feel responsible for my pain.
even though you are.

You say instead I do not want to dwell on the past.you must let it go.

how can you say that when your the one who damaged Me.

emotional abuse behind closed doors

Emotional abuse.

What you don' t see behind closed doors.

The girl hiding in her room frightened of her mother, weary of her moods, knows she will say something that will sting. She sits in isolation because its easier than facing conflict, you always have to give in to her demands. She sits silently wishing she was anywhere than where she is, she sits thinking if only I had a different life.
She knows her mother could burst through her door at any time. She also knows she will put her down make her feel small., unimportant, she will emphasize her mistakes. Everything is always the daughters fault.

The daughter hears peoples voices in her mind telling her to get out, but its not that easy. To turn away from something that has been normality for so long. Shes used to being used, to being hurt, to being unloved.
She wonders if she is loved or not, and if not why not.
whats wrong with her.

She only sees this is not the way things are meant to be when she visits others, sees other families, other mothers and daughters that did not have these interactions.
The mother cared enough about the daughter to shout her clothes, to hug her, to understand her feelings, and not create drama.

She knows that she is stuck in an environment that is not healthy. She does not get anything out of this exchange.

She tries to negotiate in her own mind and tell herself that its okay , that tomorrow will be better. That next week her mother wont be so moody. Its wishful thinking.
The police are aware of the struggle, they know what goes on behind closed doors is abuse.
But is she brave enough to leave the abuse behind.

Everything is blamed on her condition on her sickness.
You have a personality disorder so everything is taken out of context
she second guesses herself and says maybe i am too sensitive.
so she allows the abuse to continue..

Please dont!

So if you are a parent the most important thing you should do is
Give unconditional love to your child/children

Please dont yell at your child, dont look at them with those eyes staring piercing their soul.
Please dont abandon your child/ leave her somewhere
Please dont hurt her with your words.
Please dont put her down,make her feel small,. unimportant, unloved
Please dont laugh at her,
Please dont have two parents against one - your child can not win at that, because there is a power struggle
Please dont swear at her, or curse her
Please dont say you would rather she not be born
Please dont put soap in her mouth for lying to you, or saying she hates you - you never know what scars you leave.....the image refuses to leaveher mind.....
Please dont ask her where shes going, what time she will be home./
Please dont control her
Please dont count every single coin/dollar where does it go
Please dont think everything has to be fair all the time....
Please dont think I will do something for you if you do something for me
Please dont be critical of her appearance
Please dont be critical of her home that is her space to make as she chooses
Please don't refuse to go over your mistakes of the past sometimes your daughter needs to go over these to show where she is now.
Please dont use your religion to get even more control of her
Please dont put her in a diagnosis box
Please dont tell her what she never will do
Please dont limit her choices
Please dont put her down
Please dont bring up the past.
Do not make her a subject of gest or laughter, its not nice
Please dont say her brother is better than she
Please dont throw that bowl of soup at her.
Please dont say shes ugly
Please dont say shes never going to be a mother
Please dont say you love her cousins more than her
Please dont compare me to others
Please dont see my faults - see my positives.
Please dont tell her that she will amount to nothing
Please dont hold her to account for her actions
Please dont blame her condition for how she is
Please tell me you love me
Please hug me
I dont know if you do love me
as you go on to hurt me over and over

She is who she is because of who shes been given
Shes doing the best she can do with what she has been given to work with!

Lost confidence in mental health

I did not realise until recently how pathetic the mental health services were, and how they really take chances with people to the point where they would send me and others home instead of treating us in hospital. I was  clearly not coping and psychotic and I was in a very dangerous state, headspace.

I was psychotic because I was taken off my Epilim medication in a fast 6 day detox which I was assured by my psychiatrist was safe, but when I spoke to my pharmacist he said no wonder you are not coping its way too quick a withdrawal and your body and mind are not coping.
When I told my psychologist this, she told me off for talking to my pharmacist and getting advice about my medication. Surely that is a persons right to be able to get a second opinion if they know within their gut that something is not right.

My psychiatrist took me right off Epilim in 6 days I was previously on 1000mg a day! and during this time I had 4 suicide attempts three of those were related to the railway lines, and I was found by police on the tracks and taken to Emergency department only to be seen by the Catt team and sent home back to where the danger was. At one point I was allowed to just walk out of the hospital and walk up to the railway lines in masterton, my attempt to this was made difficult due to weather conditions, instead I found a river and contemplated chucking myself in and drowning.

After I was off all my Epilim I went to attempt to hang myself which was a serious attempt at ending my life, and then the day after I was meant to see my psychologist I did not go due to my state of mind,  two days later I went back on Epilim as was extremely unwell back on 400mg 2 tablets.

I have to say been feeling bit better since back on the Epilim.

Saying that though I have lost all confidence in the public health system, and mental health system. So much so that I am going private now with my care.

I have been looking into sensitive claims through ACC and finding a trauma therapist locally and getting a referral to see a private psychiatrist too. I rang someone yesterday who is going to ring me back, after talking to her colleague.

I have also contacted Violence Services in the Wairarapa, as I have a very difficult home life and have psychologically been abused, and verbally and emotionally by my parents.

Even though I am a 33 year old woman and have my own flat downstairs, my parents still think they run my life, and I have not been the sort to really stand up for myself due to a co-dependency issue.

I feel like I need them since I have been so sick in the past, but the fact is they are damaging and they hurt me by their words and actions everyday and I think this has been part of my problem and influence compelling me to commit suicide.

Maybe I really want to make them suffer, as well as mental health.

I do not know where my head space is at with all this, but I know since meeting my man I have not known love like I know now, unconditional love. Where with my parents its conditional on certain things and fitting in with what they want and who they want me to be.

They see me as a label - they see me with a personality disorder, and regularly tell me so.

I can not see myself that way I am a sum of my experiences in life and my complex trauma issues, which my mother and father will never discuss because they never want to be held to account for how I am now, existing right now but with many many years of pain that is hard to erase.

3 REASONS FOR SUICIDE/ HOW TO HELP SOMEONE / AND HEALTH SECTOR ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH MENTAL HEALTH !

The 3 reasons for suicide.

1) I am hurting so much emotionally and can not cope anymore

2) I am hurting others and am a burden on them, and feel that it would be best if I was not here.

3) I want to hurt others and inflict pain on them - want them to suffer.




People do not commit suicide without considering this is the only option,  there's thought that goes into the decision before they make it. If a person can intervene at that time and get the person who is feeling that way to listen, the important things are telling that person that they are valuable, and worthwhile, and that they are irreplaceable. That life will not be better with them not here.  Instead what would be the result would be the pain and heartache that not having them would cause their friends and family.

Even write the person a detailed letter talking about how valuable they are in your life and how much of a hole would be left in your life if they were not around to see and talk to.

Also reminding people of the things they would miss out on, and how sad that would be. If they are young that could be getting married, having a family,


Suicide is a lonely, desperate act.
It is an act that many take when they feel they have exhausted all other solutions to a problem.

A lot of the time there is an un-diagnosed, or diagnosed mental illness, and possibly depression which takes the person into such a deep dark hole that they cannot see the light, only the darkness that surrounds them they are in the fog and cannot see life for what it is.

Sometimes psychiatric medications are responsible for putting someone into such a desperate state.

Sometimes being bullied at school or at work can lead to suicide/ or suicide attempts.

Suicide can be an impulsive act but a lot of people have previous suicide attempts before succeeding in taking their lives.

Then you have the people that give no warning and its very hard to see their intentions until they are known and by that time its too late to save them from themselves.

When Mental health services see a diagnosis and not the person behind that and the sum of life experiences that put someone into that emotional mentality then there is real danger of them viewing that person in a different light and not giving them the help that they are entitled to or need at the time to stay safe.

A lot of mistakes are made by the health sector and people are not being held to account for these so called mistakes errors. Sending folk home who need more intensive crisis care and support, in hospital.. A lot of these ones go on to make suicide attempts, and even commit suicide.

They cried out for help but the mental health system did not listen, they did not prick up their ears, so in affect these ones could not keep themselves safe and go on to attempt or die.

It is so wrong to be judged and put into a box. Nobody is being held to account for the lives that are lost every week due to suicide.

Its not good Enough Mental Health!!!!!!!!

Public Suicide Note. written last tuesday night before attempt

This is my very public suicide note.

I have made everything public on this blog so why wouldn't I put this as public as well.

I have been severely unwell for three weeks now, with my services in the wairarapa taking little note. I have pushed for crisis respite/hospital intervention help and been turned away at every point.
despite being severely suicidal with plan.

Now I am tired, I am exhausted of the struggle and just choose to let go

I think that is my right.


I do hope that services improve for others in the future.

god knows they need to!




Im Out.

consequences of no help mental health services

The only thing I can say is that Mental health services in the Wairarapa can thank their lucky stars that I am still alive as my suicide attempt the other day was serious but didn't eventuate in my death.

No thanks to them.

After the other night giving up and throwing in the towel and trying to commit suicide I decided to go back onto my Epilim tablets and now take 2 a day as of Wednesday this week.

I have to say after being on them a few days my mood has improved a bit, not a drastic lot but I have been able to get to work which I wasn't able to do Wednesday and Thursday of this week. So for me that is a slight improvement.

On the other hand my relationship with Lino is going nicely and I bought a car the other day.

But I am also losing my job on the 6 May 2016 which is devastating for me as I really did enjoy working in the clothing boutique and being sole charge. But I am trying to find another job through job brokers I know locally and just searching for work through the usual channels.

I will be sending a really long letter of complaint to HDC., the Commissioner, and the Wairarapa DHB for the way I have been treated lately. Because it is disgusting. Nobody should be treated this way, and if the Wairarapa Dhb mental health services were doing their job properly they would not send home a acutely suicidal person to take their life, or attempt.

For goodness sakes when I was in ED the crisis team didnt even come and see me! that is how freaking careless and stigmatised they are by my diagnosis which I do not think is the correct diagnosis anyways as I am CPTSD.

I am just so angry by the way I have been treated.

What was done by the Psychiatrist in the way of the medication was careless and thats what my pharmacist had to say that I should never of been taken off epillim in 6 days so quickly as it plays with the psychy of the brain. Have noticed a difference since started back on it. Hopefully in time I can get back to normality. Whatever that is. I do not know what that is after being dosed up with medication since I was 17 years of age!


Now I am fighting to get license back. But yea thats tricky too because due to the medication changes my mood state has been bumpy and I have been undertaking risky behaviour, and suicidal attempts. So I dont know when the license will be returned to me in the meantime will just have to make do with the bus.



So thats update with me. Wrote a public suicide note before I tried to take my life the other night but did not post it. I will not post it now/.


 look after yourselves

MENTAL ILLNESS DISCRIMINATION STIGMA - IF YOUR BORDERLINE NO CRISIS RESPITE/HOSPITAL

So absolutely appalled.

I'm sorry but something has to be said about these services mental health services when someone is hanging on by a thread to life and Mental health services Catt teams and such see such ones and just send them home, telling them to use DBT strategies, distraction or go to sleep!

What sort of Helpful Treatment is that!

I have to say that DBT does work as a resource to help those with Borderline Personality disorder, and coping with emotions. But there are limits to its effectiveness.

DBT IS NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR CRISIS CARE/INTERVENTION SERVICES SUCH AS HOSPITAL INPATIENT TREATMENT, OR CRISIS RESPITE.

When People are in serious serious acutely suicidal states they NEED INTERVENTION!

INTERVENTION IS NOT SENDING THEM HOME TO A DANGEROUS ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT  TO LATER COMMIT SUICIDE !!!!!!!

How many lives must be lost to suicide for so called professionals to realise that stigmatizing Borderline as a diagnosis and putting people in a box where they are not given the help they are needing is dangerous to both the individual involved, and playing Russian Roulette with lives.
Also that Clinical Staff will be held to account if anything happens to an individual who is turned away from mental health services.

In my own personal experience the level of risk has been increasing at night especially my train tracks are just up the road from my house, and I know the train timetable off by heart.
There have been a few interventions by a friend, and the police last night to stop me suicide on the tracks.

But It shouldnt be up to Police should it?
They do not have the training to deal with mental health! but more frequently they are being called out by organisations such as Tautoku - suicide help line and lifeline, and other concerned individuals.

A common complaint also comes from Ambulance officers that they are going out to more and more unwell individuals in the community who need intensive crisis support and are not given it so they are sent home to attempt suicide, or complete suicide.

After the Police talking to the Catt team last night on the phone it was worked out by the Catt team for police to Leave the individual myself at home and go off.
Now the Catt team had not even assessed me carefully they just made a judgement based on a so called diagnosis called Borderline personality disorder - which is similar in diagnostic criteria to Complex PTSD.



Yes the Catt team made the wrong wrong call.....it was left to the police to stay present with me till the last train passed for the evening!

I have not even received a followup phone call from the Catt team. Nothing!

Yes they say we have appointment to see you in a few days but a few days is an eternity to someone who is seriously acutely suicidal. Who is seeing herself laying in visions on a train track., and body parts scattered all over the tracks/
there was a car accident the other day which I witnessed just after the tracks, and I had visions of my suicide and emergency vehicles picking up my body off the train tracks.

What I am experiencing is very very real for me. The fact that its not being taken serious by my Catt team in the Wairarapa really astounds me.
I am trying to get together others stories of not being heard and given crisis intervention treatment in respite or hospital now to see how widespread the problem is as I have a hunch that its extremely widespread, and this is one of the reasons why people suicide at such high rates!

I wonder why a journalist has not got on board with this and exposed the mental health services for what they really are. That is band aids!
but they are not coping with the deep injuries inflicted on people.

and they are injuring ones more and more by the lack of care and concern that is received by the individual!

It is really disgusting that even a proper assessment of an individual is not filled out by the Catt team. They think you can turn it off and on because to them its behavioral. It is not !

A person is at risk in the community because they are seriously suicidal and acute and mental health will not do anything but provide phone support - but that individual needs to ring Tehika first and wait for a call back.

You cannot tell me that's an intensive crisis intervention response!!!!

So a few questions

Who is actually accepted into crisis respite services/ hospital intervention services?

What differences are there from someone with bipolar to someone with Borderline personality disorder, how are they treated differently by the so called system?
is borderline personality disorder actually viewed as a mental illness or a pain in the butt to services?

Why are there so few Crisis respite beds available especially in rural areas of NZ?
Wheres the funding going?

Is there anywhere in the country where a person who doesn't live in the area can get emergency hospital treatment for mental unwellness?

No crisis care!

Well I'm back on here documenting my battle to get decent mental health services I'm acutely suicidal and Wairarapa Dhb reckon that strategies at home cuts it, and keeps me safe.

ITS A JOKE

SERIOUSLY I have had 4 Suicide attempts. 4 ed presentations
A near miss on the train tracks last night


Are they using their eyes and seeing how hard it is for this person ?


No I am bring stigmatised and judged because I've have diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

It is disgusting


My psychiatrist rolled his eyes at me the other day.
My psychologist sits there and says we know things are hard for you but use coping strategies!

Why are these people paid?


I have no idea,
Seriously they are leaving a high suicide risk acute sucidal person in the community who lives down the road from the train tracks the very place she wants to take her life.

This person has been unwell for almost two weeks now, from reducing medication

Not to mention borderline personality disorder as a diagnosis  has high number of Suicide


I have rung tehika 3 times today Cos I couldn't even pretend at work
I'm a mess and need help urgently before I end my life for good,


I have let tehika know that everything has been documented and mental health services will be held to account, and coroner will get full reports.

Man services need to change and quickly