In the darkness

Well online friends keep telling me I must not give up on life, I must just hang in there..

I have to say the pain is excruciating, unlike anything I could ever compare to.

I not only am going through the usual ups and downs but with a heavy cloud of depression on top

Its so so difficult to stay strong and hang in there.

Thoughts of Suicide and Methods are very very prevalent in my brain.

I cannot even see Hope! people are having to remind me because I cannot see a way out of this darkness i am having to experience.

I feel like i am an enormous burden, and I am having to tell myself that its my mind telling me untruths, that the truth is that others would be so sad if I was not around anymore.
Its hard to tell yourself these things and not believe them.
Its like you are telling yourself the lie.

To be in such darkness and not suicide is the hardest thing that I think you have to cope with. I can see why so many end their lives. That darkness tells you things that you slowly begin to believe.
You do not know the truth from the lie. That is where I am at the moment I do not know who is telling the truth and who is lying to me.

I know I want to cause others pain because of things that have happened, I am in so much emotional pain myself and that I feel that I am the source of the pain myself and need to be disposed of.

The particular friends I have are having to repeat to me that I am valuable because I am so not seeing this is the case.

Its so difficult i have been in holes before but to not see any light at the end of the tunnel and for the darkness to be that prevalent. For me to seriously be considering ending it all as basically that its better for everyone around me, yes there are no words.


Emotionally I am shot, I am drained and tired, by experiences and living everyday with mental illness and psychological abuse, basically something needs to give.

my story will be ending shortly

Positive update on services coordinating for situation

Well saw Violence services yesterday this was very productive as we had a long conversation and shes going to talk to the police today about the need to not talk to my parents as it aggravates the situation and puts me in a dangerous position, as I am the scapegoat for their anger.
Also talking to the police about the need to transport me to the emergency department in a crisis, as CPTSD is no joke, and affects the person making them very suicidal. The mental health team should never of said that police should not transport me.
Violence services said they are very concerned that suicide could be the result in this case, as I feel so trapped without any other way out.

The lady from violence service is going to call me Monday or Tuesday.,
She said that they are happy for me to use women's refuge services as needed, that's what they are here for, and we would sort out cost later if I needed more than a night stay there.
I was very reluctant to use these services as the abuse isn't physical but I was reminded that mental abuse is still abuse, psychological and verbal and its all damaging.

She spoke about the need to coordinate all agencies to work for my benefit. Including police, mental health and pathways services,
Pathway services are mainly for when I finish working and then I will need something to occupy my days as there will be a massive hole left where working used to be.

She also spoke of perhaps getting together with me next week and looking at houses to live in and options to get out of the abusive situation I am in.
also working out a crisis plan
she even suggested self esteem course for women

This was a very positive meeting.

I then went and had an hour's session with a trauma therapist - locally.
who I am seeing next week as well. Shes private and through Acc Sensitive Claims

That was helpful as well. You do not realise how much pain you are carrying around with you, No wonder im so F d up!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Years and years and years of Trauma.

Please intervene and don't let your kids get traumatized like this. Its really difficult to undo the damage that's caused..............................................

Maybe breakthrough with services?

Think made breakthrough last night with mental health services.
After calling the violence hotline and speaking to someone on there about my situation, they were concerned so called Te-Hika the mental health line.
A few minutes later and I received a phone call from a member of the Catt team in the Wairarapa.
After listening to me talking, she told me its obvious that there is more going on for you than just Borderline Personality disorder, you clearly have Complex Post Traumatic Stress and trauma issues that are deep your home environment is not helping matters, also losing your job, and other things.  She said she would talk to my psychologist asap, and for me to ring my psychologist tomorrow about getting some private trauma counselling asap and possibility of planned respite. I told her I needed a lot more support than what mental health - they are giving and basically that I have been very very close to suicide. I told her this is serious and I need help.

I feel that she did listen to me and take my concerns on board. So that is a step forward. Just waiting now to see what happens next. I don't believe words I believe actions!

confused brain

Well yesterday I reported to police the domestic violence that was going on, and of course they had to take a report on both sides of the story meaning that they spoke to my father who became very irate at me and went off about how dare I report them to the police!

They came from the side of we are just being concerned parents and have a very unwell daughter.

Dad said to me I was the horrible one here, and I am horrible because of my illness, it changes me.

I dont know what to believe

I just left my home in tears crying as I went for a walk.

Am I really the fucked up person here!!!!

I do not know.

People around me online friends are saying trust your gut the control factor is not right, and them keeping track of you 24/7 is not normal for a 33 year old.

See my parents see me as a girl with an illness that makes me very unpredictable

I do not know though how likely I am to have this illness they speak of or whether its all just COMPLEX POST TRAUMATIC STRESS.

Last night listened to the nutters club where it had a lady who had escaped a domestic violence situation where she was being controlled. Unfortunately I fell asleep during this otherwise I would of rang up and asked some questions. I will have to review the interview in my own time.

I also found myself watching Target Zero - put on by The Key to Life Charitable Trust.
There whole reason is to stop suicide from occurring, and yet that's what I want more than ever to happen to me.

How Fucked up does a person have to get to want to die rather than live.

I dont view myself as a victim but I dont see a way out of this turmoil I experience on a regular basis. My home environment, my so called illness, I dont know what way is up and what way is down anymore and its confusing for my brain and for my heart.

All I know is I have never experienced love like I have now for Lino.

womens refuge centres - no support workers available./ alone to figure out stuff.

So last night I stayed in a Womens Refuge home for the first time.

This was quite an eye opener

1) I was shocked that women are dropped off and left there without any supports in place......


the people who take you there take your name, number and reason for being there and just show you to your room and leave without even saying goodbye.

Instead of having support people to talk to we were left to talk to each other...sharing stories and offering hope to each other that things may get better.

One lady had been there 3 weeks without any support systems, visiting her and checking in.

I think this is very very wrong.


What is up with our public system where woman who are in crisis are just dropped somewhere and not given the chance to talk about their feelings,
its a very very unstable time, there is a lot of unknowns to consider, but this is OK in our public system to just leave a woman and run.
There's not even patrols - checking everything is OK.

I have to say I think things are very very wrong here.


I will be talking to someone from violence services on Monday about my concerns.

options

How do I walk out the door and never come back it sounds like an easy thing to do but it is not, not when your codependent.
When you have been mentally ill and relied on parents, financially at times, and other ways.

How do I stop feeling like a scared child.
I know my situation at home is not healthy - I can not keep denying that it is not causing me damage.
but its the hardest thing ever to leave through the door

Last night I was looking at places to rent and flatmate situations. Made more complicated as I have animals.

I even thought about going to Women's refuge.
instead I rang them and told them what is happening.

I keep justifying my parents behavior in my mind and saying to myself I still have a lovely flat if I can get over the damage of my parents and their emotional and psychological abusing.

Maybe I can still live downstairs and pay my rent but choose to not see my parents, but that is not an option, as family is always in your face. So its like what other options are open to me.

1) stay and become more damaged and suicidal
2) get trauma counselling and help through stopping violence services whilst living at home
3) move out get own flat
4) move out move in with others flatmate situation
5)move towns to get some distance
6) marry lino and move in with him
7)suicide.

I do feel like it would be easier to commit suicide than leave my home environment for good!

But if I was to suicide my parents aren't going to be held accountable anyways for the years of damage.

I would love to hear from others who have been in an emotionally psychological abusive home and how they got free !


I do not know at this stage if i am strong enough to leave this abuse behind

WHAT LOVE IS NOT

SO I REALIZE NOW

YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED ME

ITS PAINFUL TO ADMIT.

BUT LOVE IS NOT DISGUISED IN THIS WAY

LOVE DOES NOT COME WITH CONDITIONS

ITS NOT VICTIM BLAMING OR SHAMING

ITS NOT STEALING PROPERTY OFF A FAMILY MEMBER

ITS NOT TRYING TO CONTROL WHO THEY ARE, WHERE THEY GO WHAT THEY DO WHO WITH AND HOW LONG/

ITS NOT CONTROLLING MONEY

ITS NOT ASKING A MILLION QUESTIONS AND  DEMANDING A RESPONSE AND THROWING A TANTY WHEN YOU DONT GET YOUR WAY!

ITS NOT SCARING YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE CAR

ITS NOT DEMANDING MONEY

ITS NOT SAYING YOU ARE A SLAVE COS THE BIBLE SAYS SO

ITS NOT USING RELIGION TO CONTROL, AND ABUSE

ITS NOT PUTTING DOWN

ITS NOT MAKING THAT PERSON FEEL SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT,

ITS NOT DEMANDING YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY