Not adequate mental health services

I'm am writing this because I have had a hell of a week and very little support from The Mental health team in the Wairarapa.

On Tuesday severely suicidal ended up calling ambulance and going up to ed as I bussed home and couldn't walk from the bus stop to home due to acute suicidal. I saw Catt team who thought it may be my medications making me feel this way. It was decided that I would see my doctor In the morning at my medical practice.

Wednesday went to see doctor at medical practice, he sees that I'm acutely sucidal and sends me up to mental health at the hospital. I also have a support person present. My doctor speaks of the need for crisis care as he could see similaritys between present condition and when I had my MVA in September.

I go up to mental health with the Letter from my doctor and support person to advocate for me but am told there are no crisis respite beds available and that I have to go home.

I then see psychiatrist who works out schedule to take me off my epilim medication within 7 days.
Still crisis respite is not an option.

I then go round to pathways to see about beds available but this is a dead end, and lack of facilities, also the Catt team organise acute respite not pathways, also staff are away for the long weekend.

Whilst there I ring the mp Alister but get his receptionist instead whom tells me will look into whether there's beds in Wellington. She later rings me back and says no and it's up to the Wairarapa whether you are put in a bed.

We leave there and go to the police station to get a papertrail sorted. As this whole time my thoughts are laying on the train tracks and killing myself.
Police decide to take me up to Catt team but psychologist is at lunch so am told she will call me I never recieve a phone call.

Then we go to supporting families but this is a dead end as well.

Then we pick up my medication and I am dropped home

That evening I am found on the railway tracks by police and escorted to emergency department where Catt team see me and tell me to go home and use strategies.
I stay in hospital till 7 am and then are told to leave the Emergency department.

I then walk up to the train station in masterton, but its pouring down with rain so I see a river and seriously consider falling in and drowning.
then I am picked up by police and driven to mental health services where the psychologist speaks to the police and says that my doctor said i wasn't acute for crisis respite. I am then taken home.

I follow up with my medical centre and nurse to find out if what the psychologist said is correct. I am told no the doctor is very concerned about you and your acutely suicidal he has been pushing for respite and hospitalisation. So it turns out that my psychologist lied.

I am also told by police on way home to only contact the Tehika line as its a mental health issue.

Mike king is concerned about my welfare and calls Police on my behalf they turn up and reassign it to the ambulance service for a medical assessment. Ambulance pick me up and takes me to Emergency Department for the second time in the week.
I am then seen by the Catt team once again and told to use strategies at home and go to bed. I am once again reminded that there are no crisis beds available.
I am given a taxi chit and sent on my way home.

Manama Fox From the Maori Party gets involved through an online friend. She rings me and comes round and spends all afternoon with me on Friday, she calls Te hika and asks catt team to call back urgently pls as the person is seriously suicidal.  We do not hear from the Catt team and after 5 hours Marama decides to take me to Emergency department again where I am seen by the Catt team. This time they say to her that they will have follow up conversation on phone and face to face tomorrow. Once again i am told there are no crisis beds available, and even if they were avail its not clinically effective for borderline patients to be put in hospital or respite.

That night Marama Fox takes me home to my house down the road from the railway tracks.

Sadly the trains are not running in the weekend and buses replaced them so its been hard to act on this suicide plan.

The trains are back to running on 1st April,

then the rest of the weekend i am in contact with Tehika, and Sunday Night I am given the contact of Tautoku which is a suicide line to call as very much at risk. Considered taking a large overdose.

Im lucky I have supportive online friends they have been there for me when mental health have failed.

Monday comes and  I'm down to 1 tablet of Epillim and ring Tehika and take medication to sleep, same with tuesday night, after trying to fight through work whilst being highly suicidal.

Today is Wednesday and I am off the epillim medication now and still feeling awful.

I went and saw my pharmacist to pick up my week medication and he said that its very dangerous withdrawing from epilim so quickly and he's not surprised that i am agitated and suicidal.
I went from 1000mg and 5 tablets a day to 400 and 2 tablets a day and then to 200mg 1 tablet a day and then off. Within 7 days.

I ring Psychologist and tell her the withdrawal is affecting me in a negative way,  she says just persevere it takes a while to settle in your system.
and can't get the medication sorted until see psychiatrist and once again she tells me there are no crisis beds all full.

I am sent home another dead end.

Altogether i have had 4 presentations at Emergency Department. 2 by Ambulance, one by police escort, and Mike king and Marama, Fox pushing for help.
I have had 4 suicide attempts this week.

What my psychiatrist has done in the way of withdrawing this drug I believe is dangerous. I had been on it for a very long time, and to have it withdrawn so quickly really has affected me for the negative. Should of been withdrawn slower, to avoid this.


Is this what our crisis services should look like?

Wheres the emergency care when someone is at risk?


why are borderline personality disorder patients treated differently?


whats it going to take to change this health system,?

Crazy Vivid Dream

Last night I had a terrifying dream. I will tell you about it.

I was out and about with family and all of a sudden we were stranded and had to get home and I was the only driver available to drive us home.

We were in a 4 wheel drive type vehicle. But for some reason when driving the car just kept accelerating more and more to the point where I lost control. I was not able to slow the car down,

I ran a red light. Lucky no one was killed.

Later I found out someone had been killed by my actions.

It was a stranger not known to me in any way, but I found myself losing my license and having to go to court for my actions.
Also I had to go to this man's funeral and face his grieving family,

This dream felt so real, I expected to wake up and face the consequences of my actions.

I could not see the mans face.

I had the reality of the funeral, it was dark, and everyone was wearing black. They were listening to the eulogy and crying and crying....they were looking at me with disdain, and such hatred like you would not know as I caused  this mans death.
My parents and family gave me a  hard time for killing this individual,
I felt this guilt of taking a life. Even if it was by accident, I knew I would have to live with this for the rest of my life and could not escape the consequences.

I remember a member of the mans family coming up to me and just telling I wasn't sincere and should be crying and carrying on because i was the bitch that stole their family member from them .

My mother was talking with the mans mother, and acting as if I was the worst daughter and deserved all I got in consequences for my actions.


This morning I have been trying to find the meaning of this dream :

repressed emotions maybe - on the verge of losing temper

maybe its my subconscious killing off part of me that no longer is required. UN-needed, unpleasant part of self

Killing off old habits, thinking

feeling detached from those around me



Whatever the meaning of this dream was it was damn scary to dream this and wake up this morning.

psychological blackmail unable to be a mother

So it's a strange realisation when you finally figure out your mother is not capable of loving you

You need to stop looking for the warmth, hugs, positive messages that a regular loving mother would send.

Instead your on the compatal battling against an army of pain and suffering.
Daggers they are aimed straight for your heart!

She wants you to be down on yourself, a mental health patient in a box of a stigmatising diagnosis,
She wants to keep you down and whilst your down and out and miserable she can rule above you, and control you using money, things, trading, but expecting everything to be fair.

She does something for you only if you do something for her in return.

There is a mental prison she intends to keep you locked in, s prison where she has the only key she locks you away.
Shutting doors to friendship to relationships.
in her mind only negative outcomes for you not the positive.
She sees you failing,
Falling

She wants you to give up on having a boyfriend, a husband, and marriage, and kids.


The evil intent is obvious to everyone around you but yourself, you refuse to believe. What happened to my loving mother, you mind plays tricks on you you wonder if she ever loved you.
If she's jealous of you
If there's hate

Why does she treat you with such disdain. The answers to the questions are not clear.


Suddenly you realise she is not capable of affection.

You will never be able to look for affection from her.

It's just never going to happen.



That's the worst feeling in the Pitt of your stomach as all you want is to be loved.


You realise you will never have a mother!

sending out positive Vibes

So appreciation is something that you cant quite describe or put into words. Its looking at things from a different angle seeing the glass half full instead of half empty.

I have learnt through Dialectical Therapy that this gratitude is important in the beginning, middle and ending of each day. To find something worthwhile about every day.  Counting your blessings instead of counting mistakes and shortcomings, all the negative things in the day.

I found a picture that depicts it very well. Putting negative (stinking thoughts according to a former counselor) into the trash bin that we hold under our desk.

Every day we have the choice, to dwell on negative, that bring us down, weaken us or positive things that up build us and make us stronger.

The choice is ours nobody else!

Depending on what thoughts we dwell on, depends whether positive or negative enters our life. We can use positive energy to create more energy of a positive nature that the universe opens to us, and invites us to take hold of.

When we have a hold of being positive it becomes addictive and we do not want to let it go.

Even though it takes effort in the first instance to gain this positive view once we have worked out we can get what we require by being positive, then its easier and easier to continue to demonstrate a positive attitude.

Because who wants to stay being miserable, when there's a life that is much greater and worthwhile.