In the darkness

Well online friends keep telling me I must not give up on life, I must just hang in there..

I have to say the pain is excruciating, unlike anything I could ever compare to.

I not only am going through the usual ups and downs but with a heavy cloud of depression on top

Its so so difficult to stay strong and hang in there.

Thoughts of Suicide and Methods are very very prevalent in my brain.

I cannot even see Hope! people are having to remind me because I cannot see a way out of this darkness i am having to experience.

I feel like i am an enormous burden, and I am having to tell myself that its my mind telling me untruths, that the truth is that others would be so sad if I was not around anymore.
Its hard to tell yourself these things and not believe them.
Its like you are telling yourself the lie.

To be in such darkness and not suicide is the hardest thing that I think you have to cope with. I can see why so many end their lives. That darkness tells you things that you slowly begin to believe.
You do not know the truth from the lie. That is where I am at the moment I do not know who is telling the truth and who is lying to me.

I know I want to cause others pain because of things that have happened, I am in so much emotional pain myself and that I feel that I am the source of the pain myself and need to be disposed of.

The particular friends I have are having to repeat to me that I am valuable because I am so not seeing this is the case.

Its so difficult i have been in holes before but to not see any light at the end of the tunnel and for the darkness to be that prevalent. For me to seriously be considering ending it all as basically that its better for everyone around me, yes there are no words.


Emotionally I am shot, I am drained and tired, by experiences and living everyday with mental illness and psychological abuse, basically something needs to give.

my story will be ending shortly

Positive update on services coordinating for situation

Well saw Violence services yesterday this was very productive as we had a long conversation and shes going to talk to the police today about the need to not talk to my parents as it aggravates the situation and puts me in a dangerous position, as I am the scapegoat for their anger.
Also talking to the police about the need to transport me to the emergency department in a crisis, as CPTSD is no joke, and affects the person making them very suicidal. The mental health team should never of said that police should not transport me.
Violence services said they are very concerned that suicide could be the result in this case, as I feel so trapped without any other way out.

The lady from violence service is going to call me Monday or Tuesday.,
She said that they are happy for me to use women's refuge services as needed, that's what they are here for, and we would sort out cost later if I needed more than a night stay there.
I was very reluctant to use these services as the abuse isn't physical but I was reminded that mental abuse is still abuse, psychological and verbal and its all damaging.

She spoke about the need to coordinate all agencies to work for my benefit. Including police, mental health and pathways services,
Pathway services are mainly for when I finish working and then I will need something to occupy my days as there will be a massive hole left where working used to be.

She also spoke of perhaps getting together with me next week and looking at houses to live in and options to get out of the abusive situation I am in.
also working out a crisis plan
she even suggested self esteem course for women

This was a very positive meeting.

I then went and had an hour's session with a trauma therapist - locally.
who I am seeing next week as well. Shes private and through Acc Sensitive Claims

That was helpful as well. You do not realise how much pain you are carrying around with you, No wonder im so F d up!!!!!!!!!!!!!


Years and years and years of Trauma.

Please intervene and don't let your kids get traumatized like this. Its really difficult to undo the damage that's caused..............................................

Maybe breakthrough with services?

Think made breakthrough last night with mental health services.
After calling the violence hotline and speaking to someone on there about my situation, they were concerned so called Te-Hika the mental health line.
A few minutes later and I received a phone call from a member of the Catt team in the Wairarapa.
After listening to me talking, she told me its obvious that there is more going on for you than just Borderline Personality disorder, you clearly have Complex Post Traumatic Stress and trauma issues that are deep your home environment is not helping matters, also losing your job, and other things.  She said she would talk to my psychologist asap, and for me to ring my psychologist tomorrow about getting some private trauma counselling asap and possibility of planned respite. I told her I needed a lot more support than what mental health - they are giving and basically that I have been very very close to suicide. I told her this is serious and I need help.

I feel that she did listen to me and take my concerns on board. So that is a step forward. Just waiting now to see what happens next. I don't believe words I believe actions!

confused brain

Well yesterday I reported to police the domestic violence that was going on, and of course they had to take a report on both sides of the story meaning that they spoke to my father who became very irate at me and went off about how dare I report them to the police!

They came from the side of we are just being concerned parents and have a very unwell daughter.

Dad said to me I was the horrible one here, and I am horrible because of my illness, it changes me.

I dont know what to believe

I just left my home in tears crying as I went for a walk.

Am I really the fucked up person here!!!!

I do not know.

People around me online friends are saying trust your gut the control factor is not right, and them keeping track of you 24/7 is not normal for a 33 year old.

See my parents see me as a girl with an illness that makes me very unpredictable

I do not know though how likely I am to have this illness they speak of or whether its all just COMPLEX POST TRAUMATIC STRESS.

Last night listened to the nutters club where it had a lady who had escaped a domestic violence situation where she was being controlled. Unfortunately I fell asleep during this otherwise I would of rang up and asked some questions. I will have to review the interview in my own time.

I also found myself watching Target Zero - put on by The Key to Life Charitable Trust.
There whole reason is to stop suicide from occurring, and yet that's what I want more than ever to happen to me.

How Fucked up does a person have to get to want to die rather than live.

I dont view myself as a victim but I dont see a way out of this turmoil I experience on a regular basis. My home environment, my so called illness, I dont know what way is up and what way is down anymore and its confusing for my brain and for my heart.

All I know is I have never experienced love like I have now for Lino.

womens refuge centres - no support workers available./ alone to figure out stuff.

So last night I stayed in a Womens Refuge home for the first time.

This was quite an eye opener

1) I was shocked that women are dropped off and left there without any supports in place......


the people who take you there take your name, number and reason for being there and just show you to your room and leave without even saying goodbye.

Instead of having support people to talk to we were left to talk to each other...sharing stories and offering hope to each other that things may get better.

One lady had been there 3 weeks without any support systems, visiting her and checking in.

I think this is very very wrong.


What is up with our public system where woman who are in crisis are just dropped somewhere and not given the chance to talk about their feelings,
its a very very unstable time, there is a lot of unknowns to consider, but this is OK in our public system to just leave a woman and run.
There's not even patrols - checking everything is OK.

I have to say I think things are very very wrong here.


I will be talking to someone from violence services on Monday about my concerns.

options

How do I walk out the door and never come back it sounds like an easy thing to do but it is not, not when your codependent.
When you have been mentally ill and relied on parents, financially at times, and other ways.

How do I stop feeling like a scared child.
I know my situation at home is not healthy - I can not keep denying that it is not causing me damage.
but its the hardest thing ever to leave through the door

Last night I was looking at places to rent and flatmate situations. Made more complicated as I have animals.

I even thought about going to Women's refuge.
instead I rang them and told them what is happening.

I keep justifying my parents behavior in my mind and saying to myself I still have a lovely flat if I can get over the damage of my parents and their emotional and psychological abusing.

Maybe I can still live downstairs and pay my rent but choose to not see my parents, but that is not an option, as family is always in your face. So its like what other options are open to me.

1) stay and become more damaged and suicidal
2) get trauma counselling and help through stopping violence services whilst living at home
3) move out get own flat
4) move out move in with others flatmate situation
5)move towns to get some distance
6) marry lino and move in with him
7)suicide.

I do feel like it would be easier to commit suicide than leave my home environment for good!

But if I was to suicide my parents aren't going to be held accountable anyways for the years of damage.

I would love to hear from others who have been in an emotionally psychological abusive home and how they got free !


I do not know at this stage if i am strong enough to leave this abuse behind

WHAT LOVE IS NOT

SO I REALIZE NOW

YOU NEVER REALLY LOVED ME

ITS PAINFUL TO ADMIT.

BUT LOVE IS NOT DISGUISED IN THIS WAY

LOVE DOES NOT COME WITH CONDITIONS

ITS NOT VICTIM BLAMING OR SHAMING

ITS NOT STEALING PROPERTY OFF A FAMILY MEMBER

ITS NOT TRYING TO CONTROL WHO THEY ARE, WHERE THEY GO WHAT THEY DO WHO WITH AND HOW LONG/

ITS NOT CONTROLLING MONEY

ITS NOT ASKING A MILLION QUESTIONS AND  DEMANDING A RESPONSE AND THROWING A TANTY WHEN YOU DONT GET YOUR WAY!

ITS NOT SCARING YOUR DAUGHTER IN THE CAR

ITS NOT DEMANDING MONEY

ITS NOT SAYING YOU ARE A SLAVE COS THE BIBLE SAYS SO

ITS NOT USING RELIGION TO CONTROL, AND ABUSE

ITS NOT PUTTING DOWN

ITS NOT MAKING THAT PERSON FEEL SMALL, INSIGNIFICANT,

ITS NOT DEMANDING YOUR WAY OR THE HIGHWAY

Poem

You never really loved me
I realise as I stare at this blank page
You thought you loved me
but you hurt me every single day
how can that be love
how can that be respect
its only control

I wanna scream
I've alowed you to treat me so poor
thought it was normal but when I found out it was not
I was too afraid to walk out and shut the door.

I have a choice to make
this is either going to break me or make me

Am I going to die in this home
am I going to take my own life as I am so afraid
and don t want to be alone

I can moan I can scream
but silently
I cry in the shower
the steam
my eyes are wet.


but you do not want to hear my cries.
You do not want to feel responsible for my pain.
even though you are.

You say instead I do not want to dwell on the past.you must let it go.

how can you say that when your the one who damaged Me.

emotional abuse behind closed doors

Emotional abuse.

What you don' t see behind closed doors.

The girl hiding in her room frightened of her mother, weary of her moods, knows she will say something that will sting. She sits in isolation because its easier than facing conflict, you always have to give in to her demands. She sits silently wishing she was anywhere than where she is, she sits thinking if only I had a different life.
She knows her mother could burst through her door at any time. She also knows she will put her down make her feel small., unimportant, she will emphasize her mistakes. Everything is always the daughters fault.

The daughter hears peoples voices in her mind telling her to get out, but its not that easy. To turn away from something that has been normality for so long. Shes used to being used, to being hurt, to being unloved.
She wonders if she is loved or not, and if not why not.
whats wrong with her.

She only sees this is not the way things are meant to be when she visits others, sees other families, other mothers and daughters that did not have these interactions.
The mother cared enough about the daughter to shout her clothes, to hug her, to understand her feelings, and not create drama.

She knows that she is stuck in an environment that is not healthy. She does not get anything out of this exchange.

She tries to negotiate in her own mind and tell herself that its okay , that tomorrow will be better. That next week her mother wont be so moody. Its wishful thinking.
The police are aware of the struggle, they know what goes on behind closed doors is abuse.
But is she brave enough to leave the abuse behind.

Everything is blamed on her condition on her sickness.
You have a personality disorder so everything is taken out of context
she second guesses herself and says maybe i am too sensitive.
so she allows the abuse to continue..

Please dont!

So if you are a parent the most important thing you should do is
Give unconditional love to your child/children

Please dont yell at your child, dont look at them with those eyes staring piercing their soul.
Please dont abandon your child/ leave her somewhere
Please dont hurt her with your words.
Please dont put her down,make her feel small,. unimportant, unloved
Please dont laugh at her,
Please dont have two parents against one - your child can not win at that, because there is a power struggle
Please dont swear at her, or curse her
Please dont say you would rather she not be born
Please dont put soap in her mouth for lying to you, or saying she hates you - you never know what scars you leave.....the image refuses to leaveher mind.....
Please dont ask her where shes going, what time she will be home./
Please dont control her
Please dont count every single coin/dollar where does it go
Please dont think everything has to be fair all the time....
Please dont think I will do something for you if you do something for me
Please dont be critical of her appearance
Please dont be critical of her home that is her space to make as she chooses
Please don't refuse to go over your mistakes of the past sometimes your daughter needs to go over these to show where she is now.
Please dont use your religion to get even more control of her
Please dont put her in a diagnosis box
Please dont tell her what she never will do
Please dont limit her choices
Please dont put her down
Please dont bring up the past.
Do not make her a subject of gest or laughter, its not nice
Please dont say her brother is better than she
Please dont throw that bowl of soup at her.
Please dont say shes ugly
Please dont say shes never going to be a mother
Please dont say you love her cousins more than her
Please dont compare me to others
Please dont see my faults - see my positives.
Please dont tell her that she will amount to nothing
Please dont hold her to account for her actions
Please dont blame her condition for how she is
Please tell me you love me
Please hug me
I dont know if you do love me
as you go on to hurt me over and over

She is who she is because of who shes been given
Shes doing the best she can do with what she has been given to work with!

Lost confidence in mental health

I did not realise until recently how pathetic the mental health services were, and how they really take chances with people to the point where they would send me and others home instead of treating us in hospital. I was  clearly not coping and psychotic and I was in a very dangerous state, headspace.

I was psychotic because I was taken off my Epilim medication in a fast 6 day detox which I was assured by my psychiatrist was safe, but when I spoke to my pharmacist he said no wonder you are not coping its way too quick a withdrawal and your body and mind are not coping.
When I told my psychologist this, she told me off for talking to my pharmacist and getting advice about my medication. Surely that is a persons right to be able to get a second opinion if they know within their gut that something is not right.

My psychiatrist took me right off Epilim in 6 days I was previously on 1000mg a day! and during this time I had 4 suicide attempts three of those were related to the railway lines, and I was found by police on the tracks and taken to Emergency department only to be seen by the Catt team and sent home back to where the danger was. At one point I was allowed to just walk out of the hospital and walk up to the railway lines in masterton, my attempt to this was made difficult due to weather conditions, instead I found a river and contemplated chucking myself in and drowning.

After I was off all my Epilim I went to attempt to hang myself which was a serious attempt at ending my life, and then the day after I was meant to see my psychologist I did not go due to my state of mind,  two days later I went back on Epilim as was extremely unwell back on 400mg 2 tablets.

I have to say been feeling bit better since back on the Epilim.

Saying that though I have lost all confidence in the public health system, and mental health system. So much so that I am going private now with my care.

I have been looking into sensitive claims through ACC and finding a trauma therapist locally and getting a referral to see a private psychiatrist too. I rang someone yesterday who is going to ring me back, after talking to her colleague.

I have also contacted Violence Services in the Wairarapa, as I have a very difficult home life and have psychologically been abused, and verbally and emotionally by my parents.

Even though I am a 33 year old woman and have my own flat downstairs, my parents still think they run my life, and I have not been the sort to really stand up for myself due to a co-dependency issue.

I feel like I need them since I have been so sick in the past, but the fact is they are damaging and they hurt me by their words and actions everyday and I think this has been part of my problem and influence compelling me to commit suicide.

Maybe I really want to make them suffer, as well as mental health.

I do not know where my head space is at with all this, but I know since meeting my man I have not known love like I know now, unconditional love. Where with my parents its conditional on certain things and fitting in with what they want and who they want me to be.

They see me as a label - they see me with a personality disorder, and regularly tell me so.

I can not see myself that way I am a sum of my experiences in life and my complex trauma issues, which my mother and father will never discuss because they never want to be held to account for how I am now, existing right now but with many many years of pain that is hard to erase.

3 REASONS FOR SUICIDE/ HOW TO HELP SOMEONE / AND HEALTH SECTOR ITS NOT GOOD ENOUGH MENTAL HEALTH !

The 3 reasons for suicide.

1) I am hurting so much emotionally and can not cope anymore

2) I am hurting others and am a burden on them, and feel that it would be best if I was not here.

3) I want to hurt others and inflict pain on them - want them to suffer.




People do not commit suicide without considering this is the only option,  there's thought that goes into the decision before they make it. If a person can intervene at that time and get the person who is feeling that way to listen, the important things are telling that person that they are valuable, and worthwhile, and that they are irreplaceable. That life will not be better with them not here.  Instead what would be the result would be the pain and heartache that not having them would cause their friends and family.

Even write the person a detailed letter talking about how valuable they are in your life and how much of a hole would be left in your life if they were not around to see and talk to.

Also reminding people of the things they would miss out on, and how sad that would be. If they are young that could be getting married, having a family,


Suicide is a lonely, desperate act.
It is an act that many take when they feel they have exhausted all other solutions to a problem.

A lot of the time there is an un-diagnosed, or diagnosed mental illness, and possibly depression which takes the person into such a deep dark hole that they cannot see the light, only the darkness that surrounds them they are in the fog and cannot see life for what it is.

Sometimes psychiatric medications are responsible for putting someone into such a desperate state.

Sometimes being bullied at school or at work can lead to suicide/ or suicide attempts.

Suicide can be an impulsive act but a lot of people have previous suicide attempts before succeeding in taking their lives.

Then you have the people that give no warning and its very hard to see their intentions until they are known and by that time its too late to save them from themselves.

When Mental health services see a diagnosis and not the person behind that and the sum of life experiences that put someone into that emotional mentality then there is real danger of them viewing that person in a different light and not giving them the help that they are entitled to or need at the time to stay safe.

A lot of mistakes are made by the health sector and people are not being held to account for these so called mistakes errors. Sending folk home who need more intensive crisis care and support, in hospital.. A lot of these ones go on to make suicide attempts, and even commit suicide.

They cried out for help but the mental health system did not listen, they did not prick up their ears, so in affect these ones could not keep themselves safe and go on to attempt or die.

It is so wrong to be judged and put into a box. Nobody is being held to account for the lives that are lost every week due to suicide.

Its not good Enough Mental Health!!!!!!!!

Public Suicide Note. written last tuesday night before attempt

This is my very public suicide note.

I have made everything public on this blog so why wouldn't I put this as public as well.

I have been severely unwell for three weeks now, with my services in the wairarapa taking little note. I have pushed for crisis respite/hospital intervention help and been turned away at every point.
despite being severely suicidal with plan.

Now I am tired, I am exhausted of the struggle and just choose to let go

I think that is my right.


I do hope that services improve for others in the future.

god knows they need to!




Im Out.

consequences of no help mental health services

The only thing I can say is that Mental health services in the Wairarapa can thank their lucky stars that I am still alive as my suicide attempt the other day was serious but didn't eventuate in my death.

No thanks to them.

After the other night giving up and throwing in the towel and trying to commit suicide I decided to go back onto my Epilim tablets and now take 2 a day as of Wednesday this week.

I have to say after being on them a few days my mood has improved a bit, not a drastic lot but I have been able to get to work which I wasn't able to do Wednesday and Thursday of this week. So for me that is a slight improvement.

On the other hand my relationship with Lino is going nicely and I bought a car the other day.

But I am also losing my job on the 6 May 2016 which is devastating for me as I really did enjoy working in the clothing boutique and being sole charge. But I am trying to find another job through job brokers I know locally and just searching for work through the usual channels.

I will be sending a really long letter of complaint to HDC., the Commissioner, and the Wairarapa DHB for the way I have been treated lately. Because it is disgusting. Nobody should be treated this way, and if the Wairarapa Dhb mental health services were doing their job properly they would not send home a acutely suicidal person to take their life, or attempt.

For goodness sakes when I was in ED the crisis team didnt even come and see me! that is how freaking careless and stigmatised they are by my diagnosis which I do not think is the correct diagnosis anyways as I am CPTSD.

I am just so angry by the way I have been treated.

What was done by the Psychiatrist in the way of the medication was careless and thats what my pharmacist had to say that I should never of been taken off epillim in 6 days so quickly as it plays with the psychy of the brain. Have noticed a difference since started back on it. Hopefully in time I can get back to normality. Whatever that is. I do not know what that is after being dosed up with medication since I was 17 years of age!


Now I am fighting to get license back. But yea thats tricky too because due to the medication changes my mood state has been bumpy and I have been undertaking risky behaviour, and suicidal attempts. So I dont know when the license will be returned to me in the meantime will just have to make do with the bus.



So thats update with me. Wrote a public suicide note before I tried to take my life the other night but did not post it. I will not post it now/.


 look after yourselves

MENTAL ILLNESS DISCRIMINATION STIGMA - IF YOUR BORDERLINE NO CRISIS RESPITE/HOSPITAL

So absolutely appalled.

I'm sorry but something has to be said about these services mental health services when someone is hanging on by a thread to life and Mental health services Catt teams and such see such ones and just send them home, telling them to use DBT strategies, distraction or go to sleep!

What sort of Helpful Treatment is that!

I have to say that DBT does work as a resource to help those with Borderline Personality disorder, and coping with emotions. But there are limits to its effectiveness.

DBT IS NOT A REPLACEMENT FOR CRISIS CARE/INTERVENTION SERVICES SUCH AS HOSPITAL INPATIENT TREATMENT, OR CRISIS RESPITE.

When People are in serious serious acutely suicidal states they NEED INTERVENTION!

INTERVENTION IS NOT SENDING THEM HOME TO A DANGEROUS ABUSIVE ENVIRONMENT  TO LATER COMMIT SUICIDE !!!!!!!

How many lives must be lost to suicide for so called professionals to realise that stigmatizing Borderline as a diagnosis and putting people in a box where they are not given the help they are needing is dangerous to both the individual involved, and playing Russian Roulette with lives.
Also that Clinical Staff will be held to account if anything happens to an individual who is turned away from mental health services.

In my own personal experience the level of risk has been increasing at night especially my train tracks are just up the road from my house, and I know the train timetable off by heart.
There have been a few interventions by a friend, and the police last night to stop me suicide on the tracks.

But It shouldnt be up to Police should it?
They do not have the training to deal with mental health! but more frequently they are being called out by organisations such as Tautoku - suicide help line and lifeline, and other concerned individuals.

A common complaint also comes from Ambulance officers that they are going out to more and more unwell individuals in the community who need intensive crisis support and are not given it so they are sent home to attempt suicide, or complete suicide.

After the Police talking to the Catt team last night on the phone it was worked out by the Catt team for police to Leave the individual myself at home and go off.
Now the Catt team had not even assessed me carefully they just made a judgement based on a so called diagnosis called Borderline personality disorder - which is similar in diagnostic criteria to Complex PTSD.



Yes the Catt team made the wrong wrong call.....it was left to the police to stay present with me till the last train passed for the evening!

I have not even received a followup phone call from the Catt team. Nothing!

Yes they say we have appointment to see you in a few days but a few days is an eternity to someone who is seriously acutely suicidal. Who is seeing herself laying in visions on a train track., and body parts scattered all over the tracks/
there was a car accident the other day which I witnessed just after the tracks, and I had visions of my suicide and emergency vehicles picking up my body off the train tracks.

What I am experiencing is very very real for me. The fact that its not being taken serious by my Catt team in the Wairarapa really astounds me.
I am trying to get together others stories of not being heard and given crisis intervention treatment in respite or hospital now to see how widespread the problem is as I have a hunch that its extremely widespread, and this is one of the reasons why people suicide at such high rates!

I wonder why a journalist has not got on board with this and exposed the mental health services for what they really are. That is band aids!
but they are not coping with the deep injuries inflicted on people.

and they are injuring ones more and more by the lack of care and concern that is received by the individual!

It is really disgusting that even a proper assessment of an individual is not filled out by the Catt team. They think you can turn it off and on because to them its behavioral. It is not !

A person is at risk in the community because they are seriously suicidal and acute and mental health will not do anything but provide phone support - but that individual needs to ring Tehika first and wait for a call back.

You cannot tell me that's an intensive crisis intervention response!!!!

So a few questions

Who is actually accepted into crisis respite services/ hospital intervention services?

What differences are there from someone with bipolar to someone with Borderline personality disorder, how are they treated differently by the so called system?
is borderline personality disorder actually viewed as a mental illness or a pain in the butt to services?

Why are there so few Crisis respite beds available especially in rural areas of NZ?
Wheres the funding going?

Is there anywhere in the country where a person who doesn't live in the area can get emergency hospital treatment for mental unwellness?

No crisis care!

Well I'm back on here documenting my battle to get decent mental health services I'm acutely suicidal and Wairarapa Dhb reckon that strategies at home cuts it, and keeps me safe.

ITS A JOKE

SERIOUSLY I have had 4 Suicide attempts. 4 ed presentations
A near miss on the train tracks last night


Are they using their eyes and seeing how hard it is for this person ?


No I am bring stigmatised and judged because I've have diagnosis of borderline personality disorder.

It is disgusting


My psychiatrist rolled his eyes at me the other day.
My psychologist sits there and says we know things are hard for you but use coping strategies!

Why are these people paid?


I have no idea,
Seriously they are leaving a high suicide risk acute sucidal person in the community who lives down the road from the train tracks the very place she wants to take her life.

This person has been unwell for almost two weeks now, from reducing medication

Not to mention borderline personality disorder as a diagnosis  has high number of Suicide


I have rung tehika 3 times today Cos I couldn't even pretend at work
I'm a mess and need help urgently before I end my life for good,


I have let tehika know that everything has been documented and mental health services will be held to account, and coroner will get full reports.

Man services need to change and quickly

Not adequate mental health services

I'm am writing this because I have had a hell of a week and very little support from The Mental health team in the Wairarapa.

On Tuesday severely suicidal ended up calling ambulance and going up to ed as I bussed home and couldn't walk from the bus stop to home due to acute suicidal. I saw Catt team who thought it may be my medications making me feel this way. It was decided that I would see my doctor In the morning at my medical practice.

Wednesday went to see doctor at medical practice, he sees that I'm acutely sucidal and sends me up to mental health at the hospital. I also have a support person present. My doctor speaks of the need for crisis care as he could see similaritys between present condition and when I had my MVA in September.

I go up to mental health with the Letter from my doctor and support person to advocate for me but am told there are no crisis respite beds available and that I have to go home.

I then see psychiatrist who works out schedule to take me off my epilim medication within 7 days.
Still crisis respite is not an option.

I then go round to pathways to see about beds available but this is a dead end, and lack of facilities, also the Catt team organise acute respite not pathways, also staff are away for the long weekend.

Whilst there I ring the mp Alister but get his receptionist instead whom tells me will look into whether there's beds in Wellington. She later rings me back and says no and it's up to the Wairarapa whether you are put in a bed.

We leave there and go to the police station to get a papertrail sorted. As this whole time my thoughts are laying on the train tracks and killing myself.
Police decide to take me up to Catt team but psychologist is at lunch so am told she will call me I never recieve a phone call.

Then we go to supporting families but this is a dead end as well.

Then we pick up my medication and I am dropped home

That evening I am found on the railway tracks by police and escorted to emergency department where Catt team see me and tell me to go home and use strategies.
I stay in hospital till 7 am and then are told to leave the Emergency department.

I then walk up to the train station in masterton, but its pouring down with rain so I see a river and seriously consider falling in and drowning.
then I am picked up by police and driven to mental health services where the psychologist speaks to the police and says that my doctor said i wasn't acute for crisis respite. I am then taken home.

I follow up with my medical centre and nurse to find out if what the psychologist said is correct. I am told no the doctor is very concerned about you and your acutely suicidal he has been pushing for respite and hospitalisation. So it turns out that my psychologist lied.

I am also told by police on way home to only contact the Tehika line as its a mental health issue.

Mike king is concerned about my welfare and calls Police on my behalf they turn up and reassign it to the ambulance service for a medical assessment. Ambulance pick me up and takes me to Emergency Department for the second time in the week.
I am then seen by the Catt team once again and told to use strategies at home and go to bed. I am once again reminded that there are no crisis beds available.
I am given a taxi chit and sent on my way home.

Manama Fox From the Maori Party gets involved through an online friend. She rings me and comes round and spends all afternoon with me on Friday, she calls Te hika and asks catt team to call back urgently pls as the person is seriously suicidal.  We do not hear from the Catt team and after 5 hours Marama decides to take me to Emergency department again where I am seen by the Catt team. This time they say to her that they will have follow up conversation on phone and face to face tomorrow. Once again i am told there are no crisis beds available, and even if they were avail its not clinically effective for borderline patients to be put in hospital or respite.

That night Marama Fox takes me home to my house down the road from the railway tracks.

Sadly the trains are not running in the weekend and buses replaced them so its been hard to act on this suicide plan.

The trains are back to running on 1st April,

then the rest of the weekend i am in contact with Tehika, and Sunday Night I am given the contact of Tautoku which is a suicide line to call as very much at risk. Considered taking a large overdose.

Im lucky I have supportive online friends they have been there for me when mental health have failed.

Monday comes and  I'm down to 1 tablet of Epillim and ring Tehika and take medication to sleep, same with tuesday night, after trying to fight through work whilst being highly suicidal.

Today is Wednesday and I am off the epillim medication now and still feeling awful.

I went and saw my pharmacist to pick up my week medication and he said that its very dangerous withdrawing from epilim so quickly and he's not surprised that i am agitated and suicidal.
I went from 1000mg and 5 tablets a day to 400 and 2 tablets a day and then to 200mg 1 tablet a day and then off. Within 7 days.

I ring Psychologist and tell her the withdrawal is affecting me in a negative way,  she says just persevere it takes a while to settle in your system.
and can't get the medication sorted until see psychiatrist and once again she tells me there are no crisis beds all full.

I am sent home another dead end.

Altogether i have had 4 presentations at Emergency Department. 2 by Ambulance, one by police escort, and Mike king and Marama, Fox pushing for help.
I have had 4 suicide attempts this week.

What my psychiatrist has done in the way of withdrawing this drug I believe is dangerous. I had been on it for a very long time, and to have it withdrawn so quickly really has affected me for the negative. Should of been withdrawn slower, to avoid this.


Is this what our crisis services should look like?

Wheres the emergency care when someone is at risk?


why are borderline personality disorder patients treated differently?


whats it going to take to change this health system,?

Crazy Vivid Dream

Last night I had a terrifying dream. I will tell you about it.

I was out and about with family and all of a sudden we were stranded and had to get home and I was the only driver available to drive us home.

We were in a 4 wheel drive type vehicle. But for some reason when driving the car just kept accelerating more and more to the point where I lost control. I was not able to slow the car down,

I ran a red light. Lucky no one was killed.

Later I found out someone had been killed by my actions.

It was a stranger not known to me in any way, but I found myself losing my license and having to go to court for my actions.
Also I had to go to this man's funeral and face his grieving family,

This dream felt so real, I expected to wake up and face the consequences of my actions.

I could not see the mans face.

I had the reality of the funeral, it was dark, and everyone was wearing black. They were listening to the eulogy and crying and crying....they were looking at me with disdain, and such hatred like you would not know as I caused  this mans death.
My parents and family gave me a  hard time for killing this individual,
I felt this guilt of taking a life. Even if it was by accident, I knew I would have to live with this for the rest of my life and could not escape the consequences.

I remember a member of the mans family coming up to me and just telling I wasn't sincere and should be crying and carrying on because i was the bitch that stole their family member from them .

My mother was talking with the mans mother, and acting as if I was the worst daughter and deserved all I got in consequences for my actions.


This morning I have been trying to find the meaning of this dream :

repressed emotions maybe - on the verge of losing temper

maybe its my subconscious killing off part of me that no longer is required. UN-needed, unpleasant part of self

Killing off old habits, thinking

feeling detached from those around me



Whatever the meaning of this dream was it was damn scary to dream this and wake up this morning.

psychological blackmail unable to be a mother

So it's a strange realisation when you finally figure out your mother is not capable of loving you

You need to stop looking for the warmth, hugs, positive messages that a regular loving mother would send.

Instead your on the compatal battling against an army of pain and suffering.
Daggers they are aimed straight for your heart!

She wants you to be down on yourself, a mental health patient in a box of a stigmatising diagnosis,
She wants to keep you down and whilst your down and out and miserable she can rule above you, and control you using money, things, trading, but expecting everything to be fair.

She does something for you only if you do something for her in return.

There is a mental prison she intends to keep you locked in, s prison where she has the only key she locks you away.
Shutting doors to friendship to relationships.
in her mind only negative outcomes for you not the positive.
She sees you failing,
Falling

She wants you to give up on having a boyfriend, a husband, and marriage, and kids.


The evil intent is obvious to everyone around you but yourself, you refuse to believe. What happened to my loving mother, you mind plays tricks on you you wonder if she ever loved you.
If she's jealous of you
If there's hate

Why does she treat you with such disdain. The answers to the questions are not clear.


Suddenly you realise she is not capable of affection.

You will never be able to look for affection from her.

It's just never going to happen.



That's the worst feeling in the Pitt of your stomach as all you want is to be loved.


You realise you will never have a mother!

sending out positive Vibes

So appreciation is something that you cant quite describe or put into words. Its looking at things from a different angle seeing the glass half full instead of half empty.

I have learnt through Dialectical Therapy that this gratitude is important in the beginning, middle and ending of each day. To find something worthwhile about every day.  Counting your blessings instead of counting mistakes and shortcomings, all the negative things in the day.

I found a picture that depicts it very well. Putting negative (stinking thoughts according to a former counselor) into the trash bin that we hold under our desk.

Every day we have the choice, to dwell on negative, that bring us down, weaken us or positive things that up build us and make us stronger.

The choice is ours nobody else!

Depending on what thoughts we dwell on, depends whether positive or negative enters our life. We can use positive energy to create more energy of a positive nature that the universe opens to us, and invites us to take hold of.

When we have a hold of being positive it becomes addictive and we do not want to let it go.

Even though it takes effort in the first instance to gain this positive view once we have worked out we can get what we require by being positive, then its easier and easier to continue to demonstrate a positive attitude.

Because who wants to stay being miserable, when there's a life that is much greater and worthwhile.

WHATS THE DEAL WITH PSYCHIATRIC MEDICATIONS! Helpful? HARMFUL!!!!!!

So what is the deal with Psychiatric Medications!!!!!!!

If you put people on this stuff it should be to help them not to harm them further, for example: create other symptoms, side effects than what was there to begin with.

I know people, myself included that have just been labelled and then put on these drugs like they are lollies. Well they are not  lollies they are harmful, they are addictive, and in the majority of cases they can make you feel worse than you felt before you were put on them in the first place!

I wish these Health Professionals would realise how important it is to look at all other avenues before going down the avenue of prescribing psychiatric medications.

Psychiatric Medications are trapping so many individuals that start on a certain drug and become used to it, their body adjusts and because their body has adjusted to that medication being in the individuals system its so hard for them to tapper off without having severe withdrawal symptoms!

Some withdrawal symptoms can last years!

Who wants that?

In any case individuals may feel they are trapped on these psychiatric drugs, and are unable to withdraw because the second they try the withdrawal process they feel worse, and then they think its them that is making their symptoms worse they do not realise its the drug. So they hurry to get back on it. Next time the whole process starts again.

Or they give up and think whats the use in trying to live life when these medications affect me to such a point where everything I do is useless and I'm stuck on them being reliant with side effects, and no future.  This is dangerous thinking.

I worry about psychiatric drugs as the reliance of the person involved on the psychiatric drug they are worse than some of the hard core drugs, or just as bad.

These individuals may feel that they need a stronger dose of these psychiatric medications, and doctors and psychiatrists are all too happy to up the dosage. Anything to keep the individual drugged and silent.

Its a forever trap.

The problem is too when these ones prescribing these medications decide to put you on 3 or 4 heavy medications with side effects for each, crazy side effects that do not make sense, they make you more screwed up mentally than you were before going on the medications.

Also some of those medications have black box, warnings clear as day that may cause suicide, idelation and attempts.

How many people have committed suicide in NZ!!

If you for instance are on 3 different psychiatric drugs and each of them cause suicide whats the chance that they are adding to your messed up mentality and causing you suicide idealtion.  You cannot tell  me that they are actually making you better when its clearly labelled.

One particular medication I looked up which is Venlaflaxine, causes 60% percent of suicide. WTF?
As well as suicidal idelation, suicide attempts and violence.

Quitiapian has Suicide as a possible result, also Epilim has suicide as a possible outcome as it also causes suicidal idelation. These are just three drugs. But I personally am taking all of these drugs, and Venlaflaxine a very high dose, I also have borderline personality disorder, bipolar 2, PTSD, and depression.

I know a lot of the time my suicidal ideation, is blamed on the Borderline Personality Disorder, but for instance what if its not Borderline but from all of these other so called meant to be helping me drugs that are making me feel desperate, and creating thoughts and plans that would not be there otherwise, or would be there but to a lesser degree than they are now.

There are plenty of studies whether the outcome has not be positive for people who have been prescribed these drugs, look up Antidepressants and Suicide and you will see case after case of where over a period people have been tracked. Also Wikipedia has some information that is useful.

Some of these psychiatric drugs also cause heart issues, SVT, so you have to take other medications as well to account for that. This has happened in my case.

These psychiatric medications also create violence and have been linked to some of the worst tragedies in America, for example school shootings etc. Yes the SSRI's, antidepressants cause more issues, and are dangerously given  to people without making them aware of the risks involved! Read an article "Prescription for Murder"


What I think we need to do is
* Be more aware of the risks of going onto antidepressants, anti psychotics, mood stabilizers.
any drugs make sure you know what side effects you are going to suffer, and potential side effects.

* Make sure you are monitored carefully on any new drug.  Also take notes, and monitor your moods.
so you have something to show your health professional.


* Look at options before going onto medications.
For instance  - counselling, psychologist, psychotherapist.

*Look at alternate therapies such as DBT and CBT
* Mindfulness, training.

* lifestyle changes, exercise, eating healthy, sleep habits.
*any natural therapies    



We can do a lot for ourselves to get through a difficult period. Its important not to isolate yourself and let others around you know you are struggling, its not shameful to ask for help! Being willing to talk really is important because you do not want to be carrying this burden on your own.

We all need someone!


Also Its time to look at these Psychiatric medications and work out do we actually need them or are they doing more harm than good!

the news i was dreading

Today, Yesterday, and Last night have been especially hard times for me where I have struggled to stay present, have struggled to control my suicidal feelings, and thinking.

I thought it was a fault of the medication I was on as my mood was dipping after taking my Epilim medication especially in the evening, but when I saw another psychiatrist today for a second opinion she said its very unusual for medications to do that, and its a mood stabiliser. She said its more likely that its you and your condition being Borderline and just something you have to endure with the help of DbT strategies and the mental health service which is now Tahika.


It was very hard to hear from her that I was definitely a diagnosis of Borderline Personality disorder. I hoped she would say I was something else, but in fact its a dual diagnosis of Bipolar 2, Ptsd, Depression, and Borderline Personality disorder.

I walked away from that appointment crying. Yes I was hoping in my heart to not be the stigmatising illness that she said I was.

So tonight I'm left again in a position where I need to get through my own psychological hell.

I would say things have been improving with getting the job and everything so during the day things are better but night times are still very hard.

also I forgot to take a pill the other day and even though I took it yesterday as well as my normal meds Ive been left in quite a desperate state which I am trying to control.


anyway I don't feel much like talking so gonna go now.

Education is Power when it comes to antidepressants,

I want to have a chat about antidepressants in general. I know for some they are useful and they put you in a good place mentally. But I also know for others like myself that there are terrible side effects and you are taking dangerous cocktails of pills, antidepressants, anti psychotics, and so forth that have as a side effect that they may increase suicidality, suicidal ideation, and behaviour.

So why in fact would doctors and psychiatrists put you on pills that make you worse than you were to begin with.

I know with myself I have started to monitor how I feel when I have taken my evening meds. I notice that there is a noticeable drop in my state of mind, I go from being optimistic and somewhat positive to being so suicidal, being slow with my thoughts and brain function,

Its downright dangerous and stupid to be put on pills that make you more suicidal.
I am on like 3 different medications with the side effect makes you suicidal, more likely to attempt suicide, please watch individuals for warning signs of suicide.

When will doctors learn that the antidepressants can cause more harm to the individual then the individual themselves.

if you read the side effects of drugs you will see there is like a paragraph of side effects to watch out for,

None of these medication side effects were what i  or others on medications signed up for.  We weren't even told about them, or even the fact that pregnancy is affected, the foetus inside, maybe even breastfeeding.

You take medication to improve your state of mind, as well as having counselling to help as well.

If the pills are causing you to be suicidal and ill and yet your mental health service blames it on you and so called Personality disorder, how do you stand up to that sort of critique.

It is very difficult to stand up to that sort of criticism because they claim it is just you and your nature causing the very issues that the medication is causing.

You wonder what sort of person, would I be without the cocktail of antidepressants and antipsychotics?

I think people are owed a lot from mental health services because lives can be ruined because of these drugs and how they affect you.  Controlling you in a way thats just absurd.

But yet to get off the things that is a mission too.

The withdrawal symptoms just aren't worth thinking about.

But yet for some to have a better life they have to go through these terrible withdrawals and just suffer till they are off the medication.


There needs to be more awareness of what is going into a persons system before they actually take it. Know the side effects, what to expect, and how difficult its going to be to get off the medication if it doesn't work.

Education is Power.

New Facebook Group for Supporting mental health TRYING TO LIVE

I am writing this blog article to let my readers know that I have set up a facebook group called TRYING TO LIVE.



POSITIVES OF GROUP
There are 5 admins on the page including myself with lived experience of mental unwellness
Your Welcome to contact Admins by Msg and talk to them privately, and welcome to post need an admin
strict criteria of entry
strict criteria of posts that are acceptable, need to be positive encouraging, not Triggering,as vunerable individuals using the page.
encouragement daily to keep living
highlighting the principles of DBT therapy
highlighting the principles of CBT therapy
Positive affirmations,
Admins post from personal experience what has worked for them strategies to keep well
members are encouraged to post positive content and give positive feedback.
Anyone not following rules of group or negative is warned and then removed from the group.
commendation is encouraged as its a difficult journey
We work as a team for the wellbeing of all the members providing content that is appropriate to build up the wellbeing of all members.



The group has not been running long but already has picked up people who have fallen through the cracks of mental health services in NZ.

For that I am proud of what we have achieved in such a short time.

For all who want to join the group its called Trying to Live on Facebook

A new girl

Haven't been here for quite some time but this is because I have been happier in general and enjoying my new occupation working in a clothing store sole charge. This job opportunity came out of the blew and I am so happy that it did. I have purpose now and a reason to be. I have the added benefit of using my creativity to display garments and jewellery, also dressing and undressing the maniquins in the shop and coordinating outfits together, using colour and style, I have always had a nack for knowing what looks good with what and now I can demonstrate that in store and in the window displays.

In the job I am working I am working parttime hours, and hours that are doable for someone who is on medication and under mental health. So I am really pleased. I do not start really early in the morning or finish really late. I have the freedom to lock the shop and unlock it. So my boss appreciates that I am mature enough to be left in charge and set the alarm etc.

She also wants us to wear clothes from the shop to advertise what we have available so this is an added benefit.

My boss is so happy with me and accepts that I am religious and has not issue with that fact she said she loves the fact that I have principles and morals and standards that are high including that of honesty. Shes been lovely in the fact of giving me time off to go to church on a Sunday and any other religious events that occur with my religion.

I seriously feel like a new girl! A confident individual.

Not in a million years did I believe I could work in retail as my maths has been a problem. But I have found I have coped really well and things that were unattainable before actually may be a possibility.

Even my parents have been surprised by how well I have taken to working.

Wow wow wow.
Thats all I can say at this moment I am just so grateful for this opportunity!

update the year is going good

This year has started really well already and I am so excited to see what the year has to offer further.

First off I had my trip up North and seeing my friend in Auckland and going to her lovely large Indian Wedding which was such an experience in itself.

Then I had the whole chains loosening from parental control as I travelled up North on my own and successfully took care of myself for two weeks without them around, I caught public transport even though I was not even familiar with Auckland, and its surrounding areas.

I also decided to withdraw my medications slightly and even though suffered terrible withdrawal symptoms and had to go back on my medications for the time being, I stood on my two feet and made a decision to come off and followed through on what I said.

I have also been dating my best friend for 2 years and even though its a long distance relationship I know we will be together soon I feel it in my gut. So does he. You know when you know when someone is for you well that's how we feel about each other just so in sync and without a word there is this closeness and this bond. Sometimes its worth waiting for something special, that's how it is with us we are waiting for each other but its going to be magic.

I have also started a new job working in retail in a clothing and jewellery design shop in Grey-town. I tell you its so pleasurable to be working when you haven't for such a long time. Especially getting out of the house and meeting people.

Today I have been challenged to handle many transactions at once for clothing and jewellery and pleased to say have past the test and been very quick and efficient which is a massive boost to the confidence level when your successful in something.

Anyway as you gather from this journal article im doing a lot better than I was doing having the job is definitely helping to keep me positive and looking forward.

I am doing more in my religion too and enjoying it more than I have in years Yay for me!

seeing myself from another view

Learning to accept the choices i have made the path my life has followed yes I am not quite there where i can forgive myself but I am contemplating it.

I am working hard on building and maintaining a spiritual focus, its the one thing thats actually made sense to me, and my love for my god is more than the love for myself.

Since my self inflicted suicide attempt into a power pole I have realised in a way that god wants to keep me around for some purpose, not really sure what it is but I know he didn't want to let me go.. By rights I should of died that day but my car bore the brunt of the electrocution.

So here I am trying to improve life for myself and my mood has been lifting since reduced medication.

I am pushing myself forward its not easy to get to the meetings and do all the personal study but its better than just dwelling on my own sad state of affairs.

 A job opportunity has come up that I start this week, and its the first time I've been excited about something, training on Tuesday and start Saturday.

Im trying to see the world from others points of view, and myself and my situation from the position of god, and others. Others see a lot of potential in me. Im trying to see that, definitely not easy when you suffer with depression and other problems.

Sometimes you hear something though, today I heard a talk that just made me cry, it was about how god loves you and sees you despite your depression and your anxious or imperfect feelings about yourself, the negative view I hold is not gods view of me, thats a comfort.

some people say church is just a crutch. But i know that my life revolves around my religion and my beliefs, and they are my beliefs I have not been brainwashed or anything the beliefs are based on facts and prophecies that have been fulfilled.

Hearing about bible characters is really encouraging as they were suffering with their own negative thoughts but were helped to see past their issues.

the journey i need to take is to let go of the excess baggage that I have carried around,

I don't want to carry that anymore, I don't want to have resentment or animosity

negative energy produces negative results

but if you put positive energy out there people respond, you make friends and you encourage positive things to come your way.
definately the better way to go

the trap of psych drugs

Well here i am in front of an empty page again. I feel quite emotional. I was trying to withdraw from my Epilim tablets, by taking one less every evening, being 200mg and I thought I was doing ok mood wise until a few days ago when I became extremely suicidal. I had also been having nasty withdrawal side effects including nausea, constipation, chest pain, pains in the abdomen and throughout my body, electric shock sensations and headaches. Apparently all quite normal for a withdrawal.

My question is why was I not warned about the withdrawal effects and the amount of reliance my body would have on these antidepressants before I was put on them. I am quite sure if I had had the information that I have now and knew all the side effects then I would not of gone on these drugs to begin with.

But my question is what do I do now?

Well I have had no option but to go back up on the Epilim to the full dosage as I need to be somewhat stable at the moment. But I do this reluctantly as I do not like being reliant on these medications.

At present I am on 4 different drugs, antidepressant, moodstabliser, antipsychotic but in my mind they are making me worse not better. I also have facts to back that up. That suicidal ideation and that is increased by these drugs, actually they have warnings on each drug to say that these have a risk of suicidal thoughts plans actions. Omg why would they give these drugs to people who are so called Borderline personality disorder patients they already have a hard enough time trying to keep emotions under control and not commit suicide.

Also how are people able to look at having a career or a future or study when they are on medication that sedates them, makes them extremely tired and not able to get up, ruins their concentration skills, how the heck is anyone meant to function fully with 4 different medications and each with side effects and affects on your mind and body

Im extremely angry as I went and saw my gp and yes he wants me to stay on these drugs even though they have the side effects listed and also cause birth defects and other issues, so yea not like i was thinking that way but pregnancy is out of the question.

I feel incredibly desperate, its like what do you do when you are stuck on something thats harming you in more ways than 1. Even just being back on the epilim tablet has given me severe nausea to the point of throwing up, a bad stomach and pains, and Im still getting the intense suicidal thoughts. And its only been this evening and last that I took the full dose.

I spent time crying today because I feel trapped. Trapped in such a way where I'm reaching for a better life but being on medication Im not sure if that life is open to me now, due to all the side effects and my abilities are different to what they were.

I hope I still have opportunities for a career and a life.

but I am not sure.

so much of my life now I have been on heavy medication and seeing mental health


Im feeling helpless to change my situation.

and I'm in tears.

thinking how blessed I am.

So I wake up to blue sky and the sun shining, and things don't seem too bad.

I wake up and stretch and go to have my morning porridge and coffee.

I am so grateful that I am alive to see this day and appreciate all the blessings i have.

I have had the fortune to sell things that I do not need anymore and declutter, but also save some cash that can go towards a car, as well as other things that i have been wanting or needing. Its a great feeling when you can sell something and gain from it. Even make a profit and walk away with a newer model for less price.

I am so fortunate that I have a roof over my head and food in my belly every single day. I am fortunate that I have a clothes airer, and a washing machine to wash my clothes and then hang them out.

I am fortunate that I have too many possessions to count I know that some people have nothing at all.

I live in comfort and I am always taken care of.

I am lucky in the fact that i am artistic and have a talent to represent an image on canvas.

I have seen the blessings in my religion as well and how wonderful it truly is to know all the answers and why things occur the way they are when so many are clueless as to their occurrence and the reasons for such.

I feel there is much to write about. Much to be thankful for.

including the fact that I don't have to live in fear daily.


signing off

think of your blessings today

Beginning of the year a new chapter

To signify the beginning of 2016 I start this journal with thoughts that I am no longer a person with a mental illness I am instead in recovery from mental unwellness, that I believe was brought on by both my circumstances in life and the medication I was put on.

To signify this entrance into the world of recovery I have set  up a new blog address blonde recovers !
It is important to me to recover in my time but in successful fashion.

I have started this recovery process by dropping a tablet at night and am going through withdrawal symptoms that haven't been pleasant but I have also noticed a positive change in my demeanour and attitude towards life in general, I seem to have a more positive disposition. I am looking ahead to the future with clarity that I didn't have before.

Now I am not suggesting by my post that you should go off your medications, far from that definitely but I am suggesting that looking at what goes into you by means of medications, the side effects of such drugs.

I have noticed with several of the medications the psychiatrist has had me on that there are side effects of worsening suicidal thoughts, intentions, and behaviour. So basically what they have had me on could of been making things harder in that respect. Instead of feeling like it was the drugs causing me to have these thoughts I have been thinking I'm going crazy but yet with the reduced dose I have already noticed a change and haven't been plotting suicide.

So whats really responsible for the suicidal thoughts?

I do believe that psychiatrists and doctors are over prescribing harmful antidepressants, and other medicines, which actually do more harm than good. Its their way of shushing up the patient but the patient ends up being classified and put in a box stigma associated to it, they are heavily medicated and drugged up to the eyeballs, they become a zombie, and in affect lose all rights to a normal life and a decent chance of employment as their lives are taken over by so called drugs that are meant to help them.

Im not saying that there aren't times when the specialists get the diagnosis right etc and medication and hunky dory the person is happy and satisfied.''

I'm just saying there is an awful lot of over prescribing, and these medications are so harmful and even toxic to withdraw from with terrible side effects, for example at the moment since I dropped the tablet I have been coping with severe nausea, stomach cramps, pain in my body, chest pains, diarrhoea and there are just some of the lovely side effects.  I have heard of side effects lasting even up to a year or beyond. I do hope however that is not the case with me.

I do realise I may need to stay on some sort of medication, but the side effects of many of my drugs include having issues with pregnancy and perhaps birth defects, problems breastfeeding etc.

I know that some diagnosis's including Borderline personality disorder basically came about because psychiatrists did not know where to slide people in, and had to fit them into the mental health index somewhere.

Once a diagnosis is put on your records its extremely difficult if not impossible to get off and causes so much stigma from people around you. Those professionals in the police force, ed department and ambulance staff all treat you differently because of your diagnosis. Shouldn't be so but it is.

So what do you do if you feel you have been wronged and treated unfairly a so called diagnosis back in 2009 and everyone has just gone with it, but is it truly truthful does it sum up everything wrong with you as a person..


food for thought there,'


signing off Nite.

T