the trap of psych drugs

Well here i am in front of an empty page again. I feel quite emotional. I was trying to withdraw from my Epilim tablets, by taking one less every evening, being 200mg and I thought I was doing ok mood wise until a few days ago when I became extremely suicidal. I had also been having nasty withdrawal side effects including nausea, constipation, chest pain, pains in the abdomen and throughout my body, electric shock sensations and headaches. Apparently all quite normal for a withdrawal.

My question is why was I not warned about the withdrawal effects and the amount of reliance my body would have on these antidepressants before I was put on them. I am quite sure if I had had the information that I have now and knew all the side effects then I would not of gone on these drugs to begin with.

But my question is what do I do now?

Well I have had no option but to go back up on the Epilim to the full dosage as I need to be somewhat stable at the moment. But I do this reluctantly as I do not like being reliant on these medications.

At present I am on 4 different drugs, antidepressant, moodstabliser, antipsychotic but in my mind they are making me worse not better. I also have facts to back that up. That suicidal ideation and that is increased by these drugs, actually they have warnings on each drug to say that these have a risk of suicidal thoughts plans actions. Omg why would they give these drugs to people who are so called Borderline personality disorder patients they already have a hard enough time trying to keep emotions under control and not commit suicide.

Also how are people able to look at having a career or a future or study when they are on medication that sedates them, makes them extremely tired and not able to get up, ruins their concentration skills, how the heck is anyone meant to function fully with 4 different medications and each with side effects and affects on your mind and body

Im extremely angry as I went and saw my gp and yes he wants me to stay on these drugs even though they have the side effects listed and also cause birth defects and other issues, so yea not like i was thinking that way but pregnancy is out of the question.

I feel incredibly desperate, its like what do you do when you are stuck on something thats harming you in more ways than 1. Even just being back on the epilim tablet has given me severe nausea to the point of throwing up, a bad stomach and pains, and Im still getting the intense suicidal thoughts. And its only been this evening and last that I took the full dose.

I spent time crying today because I feel trapped. Trapped in such a way where I'm reaching for a better life but being on medication Im not sure if that life is open to me now, due to all the side effects and my abilities are different to what they were.

I hope I still have opportunities for a career and a life.

but I am not sure.

so much of my life now I have been on heavy medication and seeing mental health


Im feeling helpless to change my situation.

and I'm in tears.