Lost confidence in mental health

I did not realise until recently how pathetic the mental health services were, and how they really take chances with people to the point where they would send me and others home instead of treating us in hospital. I was  clearly not coping and psychotic and I was in a very dangerous state, headspace.

I was psychotic because I was taken off my Epilim medication in a fast 6 day detox which I was assured by my psychiatrist was safe, but when I spoke to my pharmacist he said no wonder you are not coping its way too quick a withdrawal and your body and mind are not coping.
When I told my psychologist this, she told me off for talking to my pharmacist and getting advice about my medication. Surely that is a persons right to be able to get a second opinion if they know within their gut that something is not right.

My psychiatrist took me right off Epilim in 6 days I was previously on 1000mg a day! and during this time I had 4 suicide attempts three of those were related to the railway lines, and I was found by police on the tracks and taken to Emergency department only to be seen by the Catt team and sent home back to where the danger was. At one point I was allowed to just walk out of the hospital and walk up to the railway lines in masterton, my attempt to this was made difficult due to weather conditions, instead I found a river and contemplated chucking myself in and drowning.

After I was off all my Epilim I went to attempt to hang myself which was a serious attempt at ending my life, and then the day after I was meant to see my psychologist I did not go due to my state of mind,  two days later I went back on Epilim as was extremely unwell back on 400mg 2 tablets.

I have to say been feeling bit better since back on the Epilim.

Saying that though I have lost all confidence in the public health system, and mental health system. So much so that I am going private now with my care.

I have been looking into sensitive claims through ACC and finding a trauma therapist locally and getting a referral to see a private psychiatrist too. I rang someone yesterday who is going to ring me back, after talking to her colleague.

I have also contacted Violence Services in the Wairarapa, as I have a very difficult home life and have psychologically been abused, and verbally and emotionally by my parents.

Even though I am a 33 year old woman and have my own flat downstairs, my parents still think they run my life, and I have not been the sort to really stand up for myself due to a co-dependency issue.

I feel like I need them since I have been so sick in the past, but the fact is they are damaging and they hurt me by their words and actions everyday and I think this has been part of my problem and influence compelling me to commit suicide.

Maybe I really want to make them suffer, as well as mental health.

I do not know where my head space is at with all this, but I know since meeting my man I have not known love like I know now, unconditional love. Where with my parents its conditional on certain things and fitting in with what they want and who they want me to be.

They see me as a label - they see me with a personality disorder, and regularly tell me so.

I can not see myself that way I am a sum of my experiences in life and my complex trauma issues, which my mother and father will never discuss because they never want to be held to account for how I am now, existing right now but with many many years of pain that is hard to erase.